Christmas in a Car Park

My husband was still working in Esk, but managed to get a few days off over Christmas to visit Anika and I in Sydney. I was overjoyed that he was coming. Not just because we hadn't seen him for three weeks, but mainly because he was someone else who could get Anika to sleep. I know that sounds horrible, but sleep deprivation does funny things to your brain. He could give me a break. Oh how I needed a break. I was probably averaging anywhere from 1/1/2 hrs to 3 hours sleep in any 24 hour period by this stage. The feeding was the killer. My poor starving baby was just so hungry. ALL of the time. 24/7.

Christmas for my family was luckily at our house in the afternoon/evening. Christmas for my husband's family was at lunch and a 45-60 minute drive away depending on the Sydney traffic. Pre-baby, we did both- lunch with my husband's family, then dinner with mine. Sounds ok right? Well it certainly would be if you had a baby that fell asleep in the car. Or fell asleep in a cradle or in your arms with a hive of activity happening around you at someone else's house. Apparently some babies do both those things. I've seen them actually. I've even held them whilst they slept. So I know they aren't just a fable. It just wasn't our baby.

Understandably, my husband wanted to take Anika over for lunch to introduce her to his extended family. For me, this brought a huge amount of pressure and anxiety. I'd spent the last three weeks getting myself and Anika into an unsustainable horror of a situation in which she'd scream in the car (getting louder and louder by the second and no, it did not dissipate after a while. I am fairly certain I have permanent hearing damage following a car ride to buy Christmas presents where I got stuck in traffic from my poor darling screaming so loud), where I'd have to swaddle her in a Woombie, put her in the sling, cover the sling with a muslin wrap to reduce stimulation and bounce on an exercise ball singing lullabies. Sydney was REALLY hot last summer, so I also needed air conditioning, otherwise Anika would overheat and not be able to sleep. So you can now understand why a 45-60 minute drive somewhere AND back, to a place without air conditioning or an exercise ball was like my very worst nightmare! But I agreed regardless.

Christmas day was sweltering hot. We did presents at my parents, had breakfast and Anika went down for her morning nap (by down, I obviously mean in the sling). Everything was packed and ready to go for when she woke up. As soon as she woke up I fed her and we jumped in the car. Before we'd even got to the end of the street she'd done a poo. We pulled over, got her out of the car and changed her on the grassy verge at the side of the road. Back into the car and try again. I pulled out every toy under the sun. I sang to her and held her hand. I patted her face. She screamed. And screamed. And screamed. I was having difficulty watching her scream. I wanted to rip her out of that stupid seat and comfort her, but I couldn't. I didn't want our little girl to spend her first Christmas screaming all the way to my husbands family and then face doing the whole thing over again on the way back a few hours later.

I was horrible to my husband. I asked him whether he wanted to see his daughter spend her first Christmas screaming? When he asked what I thought he should do, I said I wasn't going to tell him to turn around and that it was his decision as it was his family. I also started to say to Anika 'I'm so sorry darling, but Daddy really wants you to meet his family so unfortunately you're just going to have to stay in the seat and scream'. I was sobbing by this stage. My poor husband was so torn. He pulled over into a train station car park and I ripped Anika out of the seat and started to feed her. She calmed right down and snuggled into me. My husband got out of the car to call his parents. When he came back, he said that we were going back to my parents house. Relief flooded through me. On top of the relief were anxious thoughts about what his parents thought of me. What the rest of his family would think of me. Would they think I was trying to keep Anika from them? Would they think I was being manipulative? Would they ever understand how much I was struggling and how what seemed like a small outing on Christmas day to them was like climbing Mt Everest to me? I was just surviving by this stage and I wasn't sure how much more I could take before I might break.

So we spent a large part of Christmas Day in that car park deciding what to do, feeding Anika and then making our way back to my parents. A 4 hour round trip. A trip to a car park on Christmas Day. When we got home, Anika had a blissful 3 hour nap in the sling while I sat on a wooden swing chair in the shade with a cool breeze rustling through the trees whilst I stared vacantly into nowhere. Now all we had to do was get through the evening when my extended family descended on us!

So sorry for scaring the bejesus out of you that are pregnant or childless!!

It has come to my attention, through various sources, that my blog is instilling fear in those that are either pregnant with their first baby or thinking about starting a family one day soon. Whilst those already with children are finding it validating and refreshingly honest sharing in my struggles.

Firstly, I want to clarify that this is one experience, my experience, about transitioning into motherhood. I think I had a difficult transition for various reasons- some already mentioned and some to come.

Secondly, other people's experience will be different, maybe better and for some, maybe worse. It is certainly a journey and I guarantee a steep learning curve no matter how hard or easy your journey is. From my experience most Mothers (and Father's for that matter), if not all, have some kind of struggle at some point. If it's not latching at breast feeding, it's not sleeping. If it's not not sleeping, it's reflux. if it's not reflux, it's not being able to put them down. If it's not being able to put them down, it's something else! But it isn't forever. That much I know. So even if it feels like it at the time, it is actually only a a very short time in your life. I know 4 months sounds long (that's how long it went for me)- but it really isn't when you consider the entire span of your life. You do get through it and somehow come out the other side.

Which brings me to my thirdly. Despite all of my early struggles as a new Mother, in amidst the sleep deprivation, pain from sling wearing and mega long feeding sessions- I loved being a Mother. I hated all of those other things, but I loved being Anika's Mum. She brought (brings!) my husband and I a ridiculous amount of joy and I would do it all again in a heart beat (well, with more of the right support and knowledge that I have now:).

It certainly wasn't my intention at all to scare people about parenthood and I hadn't intended just to write about all of my difficult times- it's just I'm writing events in order of occurrence and my hardest times happened to occur first! I also wanted other parents that are struggling to know they are not alone and they do not have to sit in a code of silence and put on a brave face. The BEST thing I did was plead for help far and wide. I made helpless status updates on Facebook until eventually the right help fell into my lap. I stand here now, with a beautiful, well attached 10 month old daughter and even though there are still difficult nights, or days (or both!), I feel I have the skills and the networks to get through them. Parenthood has taught me so very much about myself, has stretched every part of my being to near breaking point and made me so much stronger. I know I can face anything now. So ENJOY your pregnancies and enjoy the fun of planning a family (and making the family:), but be aware that NO ONE can actually prepare you for what it will be like or how it will change your life. I thought I got it. I didn't. But I wouldn't change it. Not for a second!

P.S. sorry for the huge gap between posts. I've been in avoidance mode as life is so packed full and good right now. Will try and get on a roll again :)

Avoidance as a Protection Strategy

It's been a while since my last post. I have had idle moments where I've contemplated writing, but instead I've washed up, watched some meaningless television, read or written controversial things on other people's Facebook posts (this took up a considerable amount of time!). At the back of my mind I was thinking- what's really going on here? I have been enjoying writing this blog and receiving such lovely feedback, why have I stalled writing?

Avoidance. I am the master of it. In this case, it is a strategy to protect myself. My head is in such a better place now, revisiting those earlier, darker times is getting harder for me. Looking back, I have no idea how I got through it. But I did. And I am. Thank God, or whoever, or whatever for that! My last post of when we arrived in Sydney was when things were well on the road to reaching their darkest and there are chunks of time of fear, of hopelessness, of despair, of anger, of guilt, of pure exhaustion, of suffering and of desperation. We are going back to Sydney on the 15th of this month for 10 days and I think I need to hold the story until we're back.

At the back of my mind is worry that returning to 'the scene of the crime', so to speak, will bring back all those feelings again. Not just for me, but for Anika as well. I have to remind myself that circumstances are so very different this time. Anika is 7 months older than she was when we originally visited and I not only have more experience under my belt, I have more sleep and the skills to help her through it if she does find it difficult. Plus my husband will be there. Anika is such a resilient, happy little munchkin, that I'm sure she'll breeze through it. And if she doesn't, I know that I can cope, as I've coped with much worse.

So thank you for your understanding and I hope to be writing again upon my return- after we've conquered some more of our past :)

Happy days! xo

P.S. Have I mentioned that my heart sings when my daughter wakes up in the morning, rolls over onto her belly, crawls on me and giggles whilst blowing raspberries on my cheek? There really is nothing like it- parenthood.

Descending on my Parents with a newborn baby

So Anika and I were in Sydney with my parents. Husband in Esk, 1000km's away from us. My Mum had been with us in Brisbane and had also been thrown in the deep end when Anika was born. My Dad and our family dog had not. The first few days in Sydney, I wondered if I had made a mistake in coming. When I was at home I could control my space. Everything when I was at home was done to either assist Anika getting to sleep, or to keep her asleep. I could keep the house quiet and peaceful. I could let the washing up pile up for fear of doing it waking Anika up. If I showered, my husband could be at the other end of the house with Anika whilst she slept. At my parent's house, I was acutely aware of any noise that would disturb Anika. How could I tell my parents not to go about their daily business because Anika and I had invaded their space? I used to spend so much time with our dog in Sydney, patting her, taking her for walks with my Dad every day, but now she was nothing but a potential baby waker. What was becoming of me? Narkiness and indignation that people go about their day normally, when I was so focussed on this little being sleeping, crept up in me and set in for the next 8 weeks.

It took a few days to a week for us all to adjust. And I'm not sure it was a good thing. My family learnt to tiptoe around us and Anika and I continued to deteriorate with the world adapting to us, instead of us adapting to the world. This was not a good situation. My methods of getting Anika to sleep got even more elaborate. Now I had access to the waterfall in my parents pool. The sound of the waterfall worked a treat. I used to go down the back to the pool, walk up and down the stairs with Anika in the sling, patting her bottom, singing a lullaby, the waterfall working in the background. This would only work in the morning mind you, as by the middle of the day or the afternoon, it would be sweltering hot. This called for an adaptation of the waterfall for the afternoon. What to do......?

I managed to download a waterfall sound from youTube and played that on my laptop in my parents family room. I also got a rainforest CD with bird sounds which I played together with the waterfall. This simulated the outdoors enough to trick Anika into going to sleep. Sometimes. Once again my Mum was a star and managed to help me get Anika into a 'sleep donut' overnight. The Sleep Donut is a little mattress that you can place in your bed and keeps the baby safe from you rolling on it over night. This was a major event! It meant overnight someone didn't have to hold her the entire time. She would only sleep in it from late at night (from 10pm onwards) until dawn. When you minus the 3 hour feeds from that time, it actually wasn't that long all up. Maybe a few hours all together. Not to mention I couldn't actually sleep with her in bed with me. But it was a definite improvement nonetheless.

Initially my parents had Anika in bed between them (!) to help me sleep some. It didn't leave any space for them to move though. By the end of my time in Sydney, my parents were sleeping separate most nights and one of them would have Anika. Not only was my life a disaster. Anika and I had started to make my parents life a disaster too. How long could this go on for? Seriously- how long?!

Anika's first plane ride

My poor husband was due to work in Esk for 6 weeks over Christmas and New Year and there was NO WAY I was going to stay in Brisbane on my own with Anika. I was barely coping with two parents, let alone completely going solo! We decided Anika and I would descend on my parents interstate. Of course this wasn't ideal, as my husband would not get to see his daughter or wife regularly, but it's the best we could manage under the circumstances.

My wonderful Mum flew up to help Anika and I back down on the plane. My Mum, once again, was our godsend! I was soooooooo anxious about the flight. There was no exercise ball, no stairs, no music, a confined space and a hell of a lot of people. How the hell were we going to do this? Anika was still screaming in car seats, so even the 25 minute drive to the airport was stressing me out! I was planning the day to the minute and had everyone fully briefed about our journey. I would feed Anika, then she would have her morning nap. When she woke, I would feed her again and the car would already be packed and ready to go. We'd pop her in the car, drive to the airport, back in the sling, try and get her to sleep to the noise of the airplane's, check in, get on plane. Feed on plane. Hopefully feed for the full 1/1/2hours (given she could feed for 14 hours I was fairly sure she could manage that!), get off plane, back in car seat and drive home to my parents. I had no idea how the plan would come off, but we were going to have to get on that plane no matter what state we were all in!

Anika managed so well despite my anxieties. She only started to cry near the end of the car ride to the airport, fell asleep fairly quickly in the sling and woke just before take off. I fed her the whole time and she didn't make a peep! Woohoo! Success! Car ride home to my parents wasn't so great, but I didn't really care as the longest part of the journey was complete.......... This was my poor Dad's real introduction to his granddaughter (he'd visited for a weekend prior to this).

I'd been so looking forward to being at home with my family and having the additional support, I didn't once think about what it would be like for them having a brand new baby in the house again. I was so caught up in my own world of meeting our babies needs, it never crossed my mind that we'd be completely and totally impacting on my parents life. Anika and I were about to turn their world upside down!

Why am I the only one not coping with new Motherhood?

One of the lovely things that has happened to me along the way of new Motherhood is staying connected with the other Mum's from my birth class that went through the RBWH Birth Centre. About a week after my husband went back to work I had all of the Mum's and their new baby's over for an afternoon. When the first one came to the door I was out the back feeding. Again. As everyone slowly started to arrive I couldn't help but notice baby's sleeping soundly in capsules, bouncenettes and Mum's arms. I had bunny rugs out and some baby's got put down on them and laid there peacefully. WTF??!! The Mum's would feed their baby and put them down and they'd go back to sleep or just happily lie there while their Mother talked. I just kept feeding Anika because I didn't want to go through the palava of trying to get her to sleep in front of the other, obviously more competent, Mothers. I was crying on the inside.

We all shared our birth stories with one another (this was the one thing that I felt competent at- I was a 'birthing Goddess' after all!), tended to our babies, ate the shared food and thoroughly enjoyed one another's company. This was my first real attempt at socialising since Anika was born. I felt scattered. My words were disjointed. I couldn't think of simple words to hold a normal conversation (those of you that know me, know I rarely have problems talking- some say I can talk under water or with a mouth full of marbles!). I'd jump from one unfinished conversation with one person to another conversation that would also remain unfinished. I'm guessing it was the insane sleep deprivation, hormones and general jumbled brain syndrome that I seemed to pick up post birth. But I couldn't help but notice ALL of the other Mother's seemed to have it ALL together. Why was I the only one not coping??? They were all dressed nicely, had their hair brushed and some even had makeup! I felt like the biggest, acopic frump.

One of the other Mother's put her baby in a sling and started walking up and down our back stairs. OMG........ did I have an ally? I needed to connect with her. Maybe she understood what it was like. Maybe she had some answers. Some help. Was she to be my saviour? It turns out that that Mum lived just up the road from me and another one of the Mum's lived right on my street. The three of us had some bumper long sessions at my house with the baby's. I remember one day we all went out for a walk with darkening thunder clouds over head (Anika was in a sling as she still didn't like her pram) and not one of the three of us had the thought to take rain gear or stay close to home (once again, baby, sleep deprived brain at work!). Of course the heaven's opened and we got saturated. We all looked at one another and just shook our heads wondering where our intelligence had slipped away to? But even then, my slinging friend was able to put her baby to bed overnight. No one seemed to have got themselves into a situation where they couldn't put their baby down at all. How did we get to this point? Oh right, silly me, I look over my previous posts and I know exactly how we got to where we were! But what were we going to do to change it?

Part 1: Slinging it- My life saver!

It's been a while since my last post. Between visits from grandparents and sickness, I just haven't managed to write. I know my posts are starting to get depressing (they will get worse before they get better!), but just so you know- I had 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep! So, there is hope, it does get better ;)

Now, where was I? On my own. Well, just Anika and I to be more exact! My husband was back at work working long long hours 50 minutes drive from home and I was home looking after Anika. Thank God she didn't mind being in the sling. That sling was both my life saver and almost the death of me! It gave me freedom to wash her nappy's, hang them out, make lunch, go to the toilet (yes! I did go to the toilet with my baby attached MANY times! Even whilst breastfeeding sometimes!), occasionally have a phone conversation with my Mum (though Anika would often wake up and I'd have to get off to try and get her back to sleep), read and watch some telly.
Initially.

I was managing. Just. Slowly it became harder to get her to sleep. The methods grew more elaborate and exhausting over time. I'd bounce on the exercise ball and sing to her. Then I included patting her bottom. Then it changed to walking up and down stairs (not so safe when it's raining, humid and sticky!). Then I thought she was overstimulated as she was so alert and aware of her environment, so I draped a muslin wrap over her and the sling. Her hot little body and sling would make my tired body overheat. Then I'd turn the air con on and bounce in front of the stupid thing.

Meanwhile i was feeding long hours, sometimes up to 14 hours on and off with limited breaks, getting anywhere from 1 to 4 hours broken sleep at night and not being able to 'rest when your baby rests'. Great advice that: rest when your baby rests. But what if you can't? What if your bouncing, rocking, swaying, walking up and down stairs? Up and down. Up and down. Up and friggin down. My butt was quickly getting back into shape at least. Not that I cared. I just wanted sleep. I wasn't to get that for another 3 months.

Sometimes my husband would come home and I hadn't eaten since breakfast and was still in my pyjamas, unshowered and teeth unbrushed. I feel so sorry for him in hindsight. He'd work 12/1/2 hour shifts + the almost 2 hour commute, come home to a disheveled and often teary wife, no dinner on the table, no food in the house and take Anika straight away so I could have a shower and brush my teeth. He also would get up in the night to take Anika for some of her sleep so I could get a couple of hours of rest without her. This was not a sustainable situation. But we did it for 4 weeks! I just had to get through these 4 weeks and then we were heading interstate to my parents while my hubby worked out bush at a remote hospital for 6 weeks. I didn't book a flight home....... How could I come back and do it alone again???

We're on our own. The decline in my emotional state begins...

It was an emotional day for all of us when my Mum went back interstate. She had been our lifeline, our back up, our sanity. All good things have to come to an end at some point they say. Our time was now. We took her to the airport and I tried to stay focussed on Anika and not what was happening. If I focussed on Mum going, I would fall apart. As I write and remember that day, tears start rolling down my face. Probably the tears I couldn't shed then.  It's times like this that the distance from our family is exacerbated and feels like a million miles instead of just 1000km's and a 1/1/2 hr plane ride.

I had 2 weeks with my husband home from work and then 4 weeks just Anika and I before I was traveling home to my family. My husband and I muddled along somehow. We still hadn't managed to put Anika down in her gorgeous cradle for sleep yet. She was 4 weeks old by this stage. My husband would watch movies with her on his chest for the first half of the night while I tried to sleep. Then when Anika woke for a feed, I'd feed her for about 1-1/1/2 hours and then try and sleep with her in bed with me while my husband slept in another room. It wasn't ideal sleeping separate, but the best we could do under the circumstances for both of our sleeps. We took turns having her sleep in out arms during the daytime. We could watch telly, talk, read books, eat and she would stay asleep while we held her. We didn't really think too far ahead about what would happen when my husband returned to work. Not only did Anika find it difficult to sleep independently, we couldn't really even put her down in a rocker or on a playmat when she was awake. My husband and I had to take turns eating, one would hold Anika and the other would eat, then we'd swap. 

What was I going to do on my own??? My husband worked 45 minutes away from home and did 12.5 hour shifts. I needed my hands free at some point just to meet MY basic needs as well as Anika's. I needed to eat, toilet, get dressed, brush my teeth, hair, shower, wash her nappies (yes! We are cloth nappy users and yes! I am addicted to them;), wash our clothes, cook. Forget things like cleaning, washing up or other non-essential tasks. We needed a sling! I had a front carrier, but Anika didn't like sitting in that. I'm not sure if it was because she was so tiny, or because it spread her legs too wide, or some other reason??? All I knew was, it wasn't going to work now. We popped in to Nest Nappies in Paddington and Elizabeth (the owner) was fantastic! She let me borrow a sling to see if it worked for us before we bought it. Elizabeth had given us awesome cloth nappy advice and I was already a regular at her gorgeous store :) 

My husband and I had a few methods that had developed over the previous weeks of getting Anika to sleep. Bouncing with her on an exercise ball was one of the top methods. Another was putting her in the pram and taking the roughest off road path. Anika didn't like the pram or the car seat, making travel of most descriptions difficult with a screaming infant. It also increased my isolation from the outside world.

We did a trial run food shopping as a family to give me the confidence when i was on my own. That was a disaster! We got to the shops with minimal crying, popped her in the sling and walked in to Coles. Anika looked around wide eyed at the fluro lights and listened to the blaring Christmas carols and lost it completely. I tried to soothe her by talking comfortingly to her and gently bouncing as I walked. She was in sensory overload though and I don't think anything was going to soothe her in the middle of the shop. Off to the car to feed her while my husband finished the rest of the shop. I don't think I've ever been more aware of the harshness of a shopping environment in my life before! Next time you walk into a shopping centre, try and imagine what it would be like if you had the most acute senses and had never experienced one before. How overwhelming and scary?!! So instead of building my confidence, it was further shattered. How could I do this alone? How on earth could I do this alone?? Anika was now 6 weeks old and my husband was heading back to work. My Mum was gone and ALL of our family was at least 1000km's away. I struggled to leave the house as Anika hated the pram and car seat. The decline in my emotional, physical and mental state was gradual, but it started here.

A Pooey Story

So we were on a regime to help settle Anika's little tummy after the antibiotics and it seemed to soothe her a bit. After the 9 days of no poo initially, Anika turned in to the poo machine!! You'd be changing her nappy and out would come this foamy mustardy coloured poo which would send us scrambling to grab some tissues to catch it with. It kind of reminded me of foamy tanning mousse or whipped cream from the can :) I remember one sleep deprived night I forgot to grab the tissues and just caught it in my hand. I don't know what possessed me to put my hand out- she was on a change mat that could've easily been washed! It's amazing how sleep deprivation effects your brain and ability to act rationally. So now not only was I trying to change a wriggling baby in the dark, I also had a large amount of poo in my palm and oozing between my fingers.......... the joys of parenthood eh?

Was poo meant to be bubbly and foamy? Not according to our poo chart! Is something wrong with her? I madly started to look up what could be going on on the ABA website and google hits. Hmmm sounds like foremilk hindmilk imbalance. For those of you who've never encountered breastfeeding information before, foremilk is the watery milk that comes out at the start of a feed. It generally rehydrates and comes out quickly. As the feed progresses, the milk gradually thickens and is higher in fat content, helping bubs feel full and beefs them up. When they get enough of each, their gut digests it more easily. If you swap them over from one breast to the next too quickly, they don't get enough hindmilk and it tends to digest super quick and makes green foamy poo and they wake sooner because they're still hungry.

Given everything that was going on with Anika's little tummy post antibiotics, we decided to get a home visit from a private lactation consultant (LC). She was lovely and was able to come over quite quickly following our contact. She observed me feeding Anika and gave a couple of hints, such as put her back to the same breast after she pull off twice and then move her to the next side. Feeds were still around the hour mark at this time. She also told us that babies poo often came out foamy if you watched it, but once it settled on the nappy it looked like it was 'meant' too. We were also able to contact the LC during one of Anika's 14 hour feeding bonanza's to check that we were doing the right thing by letting her feed for so long with minimal breaks.

I think sometimes you can seek out too much information and get so caught up in things that might not be right, when really, if we had've just gone with the flow a bit more, things might have been somewhat smoother for us. I guess all of our uncertainty goes back to the 'holy crap we're parents- we're not trained for this!' post :) Our uncertainty was going to increase tenfold very shortly when my Mum returned home interstate. She was our security blanket, our saviour and Godsend. How were we going to cope without her???

9 days old: A trip to the Doctor

Anika was 9 days old and we'd noticed these blisters in her groin and one in the crook of her elbow. We didn't think too much of it as my husband said that babies come out with different skin conditions that clear up on their own quickly after the birth. We were at Anika's healthy hearing check (this is a check they do to all newborns to screen for any hearing impairment and requires the baby to have these cups on their ears and electrodes on their head. They play soft clicks to the baby and measure their brain reactivity). Of course Anika was going through an all day long cluster feed and fed the entire way through the hearing check. We casually mentioned the blisters to the nurse. She took a look at them and called one of the other nurses in. Hmmmmmmmm, we think you should take her to your GP.

Off to the GP. The GP took one look at them and said looks like staphylococcus (aka staph!) to me. He popped the biggest blister with a needle and collected the muck that was inside it and sent it off for testing. Our poor little baby, who hadn't even got her medicare card yet, had just been given her first prescription for antibiotics- Keflex :( I'd had virtually no sleep, my nipples were sore from constant attachment and my baby needed antibiotics at just 9 days old. Tears started to stream down my face as we drove to the chemist. Anika was in the back screaming, I was crying, my poor husband was trying to comfort both of us with little success (he probably felt like crying too with the two of us in the state we were in). I walked in to the chemist and handed over the prescription. When it was ready the pharmacist asked me whether she'd ever had this medication before. I looked at him like he was retarded and said 'she's 9 days old, she doesn't even have a Medicare card. No. She's never had ANY medication before'. Oh he replies. Poor guy, he was just doing his job and had come face to face with a sleep deprived, teary, first time Mother. How in hells name do you give Keflex to a newborn who is just getting the hang of sucking? He armed me with a little syringe to draw it up with and squirt it into her mouth.

I didn't want to have to do this. The little bugger needed to have this crap squirted in her mouth for 5 days, 6 times daily, which included over night. It was a pink gooey liquid. It was such a tiny amount each dose, but took a while for her to swallow it. Mmmmmmm sticky nipples. Yuck. All of this was just another thing to add into the mix of getting used to having a newborn baby. It sucked. Poor Anika took it all pretty well considering.

How did she get this???? We were only in the hospital for 12 hours for goodness sake. My midwives told me that they hear about it happening to about 1 in 10 babies born at the Royal. Are you serious????!!!

So now Anika's gut was being stripped of all the good bacteria that had started to build up to help her digest my milk due to the antibiotics. Insert increased crying here post food. Insert less sleep for Mum and Dad here from feeding, administering antibiotics and the topical ointment to the blisters, comforting the crying and trying to run the household. Exhausting. This was all so bloody exhausting. Thank God my Mum was still here. She was amazing. She never asked what we needed done, she just did it. Our washing, shopping, cooking, cleaning, baby duties, hugging, bun buying (there seemed to be a never ending supply of tea buns in the house!) etc. Did I mention Mum was amazing during this time?

We decided to take Anika to my naturopath to see if there was anything we could do to help her recover from the antibiotics. Yes!! There was! I was started on a probiotic and we got these drops called Formula GIT drops. We had to now give Anika these drops with each feed. More stuff to swallow for her. Then my naturopath recommended I put coconut oil on my nipples at each feed to assist in building Anika's immune system up and also help her to feel fuller. All these things were just additional things we had to add into our already overwhelming task of caring for a newborn. Did I mention how exhausting all of this was?

I remember the first time I put the coconut oil on my nipples and tried to feed Anika....... I must have put too much on and she kept slipping and sliding off. I ended up having to wipe the stuff off again for her to be able to feed properly! Anika still never got put down by this point due to all of the 'procedures' we had to do to her and the crying. We did try a couple of times and it lasted for about 20 minutes before she woke again and wanted to be close to us. This was a 24/7 gruelling job. Thank God she was so cute, else we might have left her on the doorstep of a church or something.

Can't cry over spilt milk

I'd heard all of these stories from friends about how when your milk comes in, it's almost as painful as childbirth. That your boobs go rock hard, increase to a quadruple D size and leak everywhere. I had been given heaps of left over breast pads for the leakage I would surely experience from friends who didn't need them any more, so I was all prepared. I'd had friends who had had issues with latching, cracked nipples, mastitis, not able to feed because their babies palate was a poor match for their nipples, people who had had to express and bottle feed for a short time and others who had to express for months. You name it, I'd heard it. I was armed and ready.

Anika had no problems latching from the word go. She found her way to my breast, latched all on her own and fed away. It never hurt. It felt right, not weird at all. I never got a sensation of fullness or even feel my milk come in. Did it come in? I'd better call my midwife! First of the questions..... How many wet nappies? When you hand express what comes out? Yellowish liquid or a bluish tinged milk? Well 5-6 wet nappies in last 24 hours and bluish tinged milk. Your milk has come in. But it didn't hurt and my breasts aren't really changing. Not everyone has a feeling of fullness, particularly if Anika has been attached a lot, she's probably removing it as quickly as it's being made. Oh. Just let her stay at the breast as much as she wants as the more milk she removes and stimulates your nipples, your body will be signaled to produce more milk. Right. Then came the mega breast feeding frenzies.

One of the biggest indicators my milk had come in was when Anika started screaming after a feed. She was inconsolable for the first time. OMG what was wrong with her??!!! I had a house full of people and Anika was beside herself. I was beside myself. Ring the midwife. Midwife tells me that sometimes when a baby gets a full belly for the first time it can be uncomfortable and they cry. Change her nappy, swaddle her and hold her, talk to her. Right, we do that, she's still crying. Finally after 20 minutes and my Mum saving the day, she settles down (Mum is like the baby whisperer!!). This screaming now occurs after EVERY feed 24/7, which means EVERY 2-3 hours, for the next week or so. So I do the feed, which sometimes can go on for up to 3 hours! Hubby takes bub away to scream in another room so I can try and get some sleep. Meanwhile, Anika NEVER gets put down. She was either being fed, or being held to comfort her after a feed. Then it was time for the next feed again. Those early days were grueling.

Whilst other people had issues of leakage and pain on latching, I had issues that Anika's feeds seemed never ending. There was advice coming at me from all angles: 'you know they get most of what they need in the first 10 minutes and the rest is comfort sucking, don't be afraid to pull her off, she will be full' or; 'let her stay at the breast as long as she wants as it will stimulate more milk'. Could the advice be more polar opposite???

I was firmly planted on the couch for hours and hours on end watching Being Erica, Drop Dead Diva, The Mentalist, Chuck, How I Met Your Mother + lots of movies. My bum was sore.

Then there were the times when the feed seemed to drag on and on for hours and I just kept swapping her from side to side. Better check the internet and see what this is all about. Hmmmm...... looks like cluster feeding.

Cluster feeding: A pattern of feeding behaviour, predominantly in newborns, in which feeds are grouped closely together. Often this pattern occurs in the evenings to increase caloric intake to enable longer stretches of sleep over night and to boost milk supply during a growth spurt.

Well Anika's feeding pattern certainly seemed to fit the bill, but it didn't help with any longer stretches of sleep! We were still up every 2-3 hours over night for feeds. In hindsight, I wonder if Anika was getting enough milk. I kept saying to myself, she's got enough wet nappies, she's gaining about 180 grams a week and staying on the 10th percentile. She must be getting enough.

What's a growth spurt? I find out these are meant to occur at 10 days, 3 weeks, 6 weeks, 12 weeks, 4 months and 6 months. Fussier period where baby might eat more frequently and stay at the breast longer. Well for us, Anika seemed to be going through and eternal growth spurt. My husband talked to a Paediatrician at work who said that babies who were under nourished in the womb often came out really hungry and sometimes took up to a year to catch up to their potential. No one had told me that! So here I had a baby who was desperately trying to feed and reach her potential. I just didn't have enough for her appetite in the end............

What's in a name?

We had discussed names we liked before we fell pregnant and had a bit of a list happening, but when we went back to it after I fell pregnant, we were both like 'God, what were we thinking??!!'. Names we'd both liked, one of us now didn't. Some new names got added to the lists here and there, but we didn't really have top picks for boys or girls.

People at work joked at my baby shower that knowing me, our baby wouldn't be named for a week after it was born! I remember being asked what colour we were going to paint the baby's room if we didn't know its sex. Goodness, are you meant to paint their room?? So prepared huh? I'm sure it came as no surprise when they received the SMS saying I'd had the baby and it had no name yet :)

So we were home. What do we call her? A name is something you're stuck with for the rest of your life. Something other kids can make fun of. Do you choose something old and classic? Something a bit out there? A relatives name? Something of a specific origin? A name that's high on the Huggies most popular names list? Or a name that doesn't even make the top 1000? Do you pick a regular name, but change the spelling? All these decisions!!

We got it down to 3 that we both actually liked, I had a favorite by this stage, but it wasn't just up to me. My husband decided that he would try all of them out for the next 12-24 hours. On the following morning, the 5th October 2010, my husband walked in and said "I think she's an 'Anika'."

Anika Charlotte

I loved it! Anika was my first choice!! I was so glad my husband liked it too. He said he'd kept calling her Lucy and it just didn't fit. I had wanted the proper Dutch spelling Anneke, but I'd settle on the spelling if it was the name I'd liked the most!

So the kid had a name, for better or worse. It was one of the names we'd both liked across time. It was also a name that was a bit different, pretty and connected to my Dutch heritage (my Dad is Dutch- sorry, was, he was naturalized as an Australian when I was a teenager!).

Now we could start spreading the word and finally calling our baby something.

Name: Anika
Pronunciation: Ah NIH kah (for Amelia's benefit;)
Gender: feminine
Meaning: Graceful, favour, sweet faced, goddess Durga. Also means apricot from Nara in Japanese
Numerological meaning: people with this name tend to be very inspired, intuitive and creative. Their aim is to improve the world and they can be quite altruistic. They strive to see 'the big picture' and achieve their dreams.

Taken from

Holy crap we're parents! I'm not trained for this!

As I look back on those very early days of bringing our baby home, I realize how much emphasis and time we'd put in to preparing to get her out safely and not much on the what comes after. So we'd had an awesome birth, but what now?? We were taking this teeny tiny baby home in the car with us who was solely relying on my husband and I for everything. Everything. What were we thinking? Neither of us knew the first thing about baby's! We'd both held one a few times, I might have changed a couple of nappies in my time, but to look after one completely on my own.... God, we hadn't even thought of a name for her by the time we'd left the hospital (granted it was only 12 hours after the birth, so we could be forgiven for that!). Thank goodness my Mum was staying with us with an open air ticket home (all our family live interstate) and my husband had 2 weeks off work initially.

You'd think with all that support I would have managed it all ok. I look back on other friends who didn't have half the help I received in those very early days and admire how they coped. They either coped really well, or suffered in silence. I suspect more Mother's suffer in silence than we know, as there seems to be an expectation that we'll all cope and that it shouldn't be that hard as we're biologically primed for it. Those of you that know me, know that I rarely do silence, let alone suffering in silence! Thank God for that, as it led me on an amazing, draining, emotionally and physically challenging journey- which i am still on and led me to meet some very amazing people who would help us along the way and continue to help us today.

Because our baby wasn't getting enough nutrition inside me due to my umbilical cord issues, she came out small and with a massive appetite. From the moment we got home she just wanted to feed and feed and feed. Morning. Noon. Night. Feed. No one warned me. Everyone just said, don't worry, small is easier to get out and she'll make up for it on the breast once she's out (I didn't know they meant by staying attached constantly!). No one warned me that she might have feelings about what it was like inside me not getting enough food. Not many people, including myself, know that babies have feelings, thoughts, memories prior to when they come out. When I think logically about it though, of course they would, why would all of a sudden they start getting that once they're through the birth canal?? I'd read studies prior to our birth about baby's recognising their parents voices and songs etc. But i hadn't really given it much more thought or thought about it in relation to how what our daughter had experienced in side of me might have effected her when she was outside of me. I wasn't aware that because of  her prenatal experience we were going to have a difficult ride ahead.

We muddled through those first couple of weeks with the help of my husband, Mum and midwives. One of the lovely things about the birth centre is that they visit you as much or as little as you need in your home and you can call them 24/7 for the first two weeks. They were my lifeline. I used that daily. Sometimes more than that!

I called them because I didn't think my milk had come in. I called them because after our baby had passed the meconium she didn't poo for days and the poo chart said she'd poo more than that (yes, you get a 7 day poo chart when you have a baby, showing you what it looks like each day after the birth. Being the Virgo I am, I studied the pooey nappies next to the chart daily! But my husband's just as bad- he weighed her wee nappies to see how much output she had!!;). I called them because our baby started screaming directly after each feed. I called them because of the blisters that developed on our baby's torso and arm. Then I called them to find out how to get antibiotics into a newborn. I think you get the drift, I called them for everything. I really didn't have a clue about newborn baby's! Let alone newborn baby's that were going to require a considerable amount of help because of the difficult 9 months they spent inside! 

But first to the naming part. What a huge responsibility. Naming someone for the rest of their lives.........

Birth unplugged- what happens after?

Disclaimer: Not for the feint hearted! These are some of the gory details of what happens after a baby is born.

4th October, 12.11am


My midwife, Anne, was writing notes and said 'now, because this has all happened so quickly, I haven't had a chance to read your birth plan'. I interrupted and had a moment of clarity 'delayed cord clamp, physiological 3rd stage, no vitamin k or hep b, let her attach to feed herself- does that answer your question?' Talk about telling my birth plan in 10 seconds flat! 'yes, exactly what I wanted to know'.

I heard them talk about drawing up syntocinon just in case I lost too much blood. By this stage Anne had brought over a birth stool for me to sit on with our baby girl, we were still wrapped in the preheated blanket snuggly. Anne gently instructed me to give a big cough with my next contraction to birth the placenta. She also came and inspected the cord at one point and said that it had stopped pulsing and would it be ok if she clamped it now? We gave the ok.

The timing of everything's a bit hazy, but our baby girl somehow found her way to my breast and started suckling all on her own (she was very clever from the start!:)

At some point I got a contraction and gave a small cough. The placenta slipped out really easily and plopped into the container underneath me. Anne, my student midwife and my husband went into the bathroom to inspect it whilst I continued to feed. They reported back that I had a big, fat, juicy, healthy placenta, but that my umbilical cord was one of the thinest they'd seen with barely any warton's jelly (I would only find out what that was later).

Once our little girl finished feeding and was resting, Anne asked if she could weigh and measure her. Our baby was a wee 2960 grams (6 pound 8 ounces) and 46cms. My husband then got to hold our baby for the first time as Anne and my student midwife supported me to the shower. They gently ran the shower over me and wrapped me back up in a blanket after drying me off.

Anne asked if she could check me over. Sounds horrible, but I guess they've all seen everything now anyway!! Back up on to the bed. My husband handed me back our Baby. Anne firmly palpated my belly to check if my uterus was contracting- this was quite uncomfortable as you can imagine. Then gently did an internal. She reported I had a small 2nd degree tear in my perinium, about 2-3cms in length. Anne outlined the pro's and con's of stitching it, or letting it heal on it's own. I decided to let it heal without stitches. I also had some grazing which would heal on its own. Everything else was looking alright.

I handed our baby to my Mum while my husband helped me get dressed. Anne went and got me a wheel chair and wheeled our baby and I around to the birth centre. If our baby was any smaller (2800grams or less), we wouldn't have been allowed back there. We transferred to the queen size bed. Someone got me tea and toast and I was back to drinking some water again to rehydrate.

We dressed our baby in the 0000's outfit we'd bought and she swum in it!! Right, we'd better get some smaller suits! Mum stayed until we were all ready to try and rest. I think she left between 3 and 4am.

Anne came back in to give us a run down of the birth. I was in active labour from around 4pm, arrived at hospital at 11.20pm, already in transition upon arrival (fully dilated and ready to push), baby girl born 12.11am on the 4/10/10 after an 18 minute second stage (the whole pushing part), 3rd stage also 18 minutes (birthing the placenta). Anne let me know that first time Mum's usually take about 2 hours in their second stage. Wow! No wonder it was so full on!!

The three of us snuggled together on the bed. I just couldn't stop gazing at her and how perfect she was. I'm sure she fed at least another couple of times in the early hours of the morning. I didn't sleep a wink.

The sun started to stream through the window and the 4th of October dawned bright and sunny. It was the first warm sunny day we'd had in Brisbane for a couple of weeks. It must of been in aid of our baby girl :) I got up and had a long warm shower and redressed slowly. Anne had given me some mini ice packs for my knickers to cool the graze and tear. They soothed it pretty well. Sitting on the edge of the bed was a bit painful and going to the toilet stung.

At about 8am I sent around a mammoth SMS announcing the birth of our baby. I called my Dad and brother and a couple of good friends who were ecstatic for us. The breakfast lady came in and I scoffed down some breakfast. God I was so hungry!!! Tanya came in (our midwife who had done the membrane sweep) and was ridiculously excited and rightfully chuffed with herself. I can't really remember exactly what happened, but before we could go home, we had to see the physio for me and the Paediatrician had to check over our baby. The Paediatrician came and went and we waited and waited for the physio who apparently wasn't responding to her pager. Tanya gave us the option of going home with the physio information pack. We decided to call my Mum and head home a mere 12 hours after the birth.

My husband pushed our baby and I in a wheelchair to the elevator. I shielded her tiny eyes from the bright lights. Out in to the sunshine where Mum and the car were waiting for us. I was so tired, yet on a high at the same time. My husband gently lifted our baby into the car seat. We were so fumbly, never having done it before. She was so very small, the straps barely tightened around her tiny chest. God, what were we doing????? 12 hours old, it was still her birth day!!

We all got in the car and our journey really began............

Grumble grumble bloggers been down!

I do apologise, I can't believe bloggers been down for the past 24 hours. Not only have I not been able to post, but they've also removed my ''main event"!!! They say this is temporary and that it will be restored shortly. Hmmmmm. Epic fail google!! (sorry Al!). Lucky I wrote it in my email program and have kept a copy in the event of another google fail.

My next blog is written, but I have to find some time to transfer it into the blogger editor. This is proving to be easier said than done. Our little monkey decided bed time was 10.30pm again last night!!! Sigh oh sigh.

Well it's 5am and I'm going to finish this feed and try and get my little monster back to sleep. Nigh night for now.....

Part 3- Countdown: A birthing Goddess!

2 days to go- Sunday, 3rd October

11.20pm

My husband wheeled me through the dimly lit hospital and into the elevator. Up we rode. As soon as we reached our floor I stood and leant against the wall outside the elevator and breathed through another contraction. I must have been noisier than I thought as a nurse came out of birth suite to see what was going on. It was nice and quiet and private being late on a Sunday night. She scurried away to find Anne. Anne came out and led us in to a birth suite room. It was dimly lit and looked comfortable enough.

Anne handed me a little cup and asked me to go into the bathroom and pee in it. This proved to be easier said than done as there was barely enough time to pee in it between my contractions now. They were almost coming one on top of the other. I did manage it though and Anne fed back that I was slightly dehydrated. Unsurprising really, as I couldn't hold anything down, including fluids! Anne then wanted to hook me up to the CTG and take my blood pressure. At this point I was standing leaning over the bed, resting my arms on it for support. Anne raised the bed to make me more comfortable. I anxiously asked how our baby was coping once the CTG was in place and Anne said 'beautifully!' I was so relieved. I had worried a bit at home, as we had no idea what was going on for our baby, given the state of my umbilical cord. My blood pressure was 105/65. Perfect. Anne then said she'd like to do an internal to get an idea of where things were at. I feebly agreed and managed to get up onto the bed. Whilst Anne was examining me I had the most painful contraction yet. I couldn't move, it was excruciating. How the hell did women do this on their backs??? Holy hell it hurt!!

Anne said gently 'honey, if you get the urge to push, just go with your body'. What the??!!!! I was hours off, surely I was hours off?? Nope! Anne said I was fully dilated and could only feel a small rim of cervix. Our baby was coming very soon!

I was back standing again and Anne hurridly said she was going to get a second midwife from birth suite as she needed a second pair of hands. When they got back, my body made an involuntary push and warm liquid rushed down between my legs. I immediately said 'I've peed myself!' God, how embarrasing?! On second thoughts 'I think my waters just broke'. Thank God it was my waters! :) They took the CTG off me as they couldn't get our baby's heart beat given she was heading through the birth canal. So luckily I only had the thing on for about 30-40 minutes.

My body did another push and I was like oh God I need to do a number two! I'd heard all these stories of women pooing in labour and felt horrified that I might do that. Anne said 'honey, that's your baby's head'. Why didn't anyone tell me pushing the head out felt like pushing one gigantic poo out??:) It felt like her head came out partially and then went back in. Another two pushes and her head was out. My breathing was erratic during the first push and Anne got Mum to stand opposite me and breath steadily. I slowed my breathing to match my Mum's. My husband was down the other end and was looking at our baby's face by this point!!

Anne asked if I wanted to see our baby's head in a mirror. No I did not want to see my baby's head in a mirror. If I was meant to see down there I would have been born with a go go gadget neck or something. For me, some things are best left the way nature intended. This was one of them. Anne then asked if I wanted to touch our baby's head. Mmm not really either thanks. But she grabbed my hand to touch it anyway. It was slimy and gross. Now my hand was all icky. Thanks.

There was a long break in my contractions and our baby had a slight blue tinge and was just hanging out with her head. Anne said 'sweetie, you're going to have to give me one more push'. My response 'Nup, she's just going to have to stay in there, I've got nothing left!'. Somehow I mustered up the energy and gave a push. Out slipped our baby into my husbands hands. Our baby was born!!!

It was 12.11am on the 4th October, my Grandfather's birthday. 1 day away from my due date! Hurrah! We'd avoided all of our fears and birthed exactly how we'd hoped. I'd pushed her out in 18 minutes! My husband regularly recalls and loves telling people, that Anne called me a birthing Goddess :)

My husband passed our baby up to me between my legs cord still attached. I nestled her close. Someone said he's tiny. I was like 'did we have a boy??' I had no idea, I hadn't looked. The person responded 'I don't know, I just assumed'. I gently moved my tiny baby away from my body and looked, I couldn't see any boy bits, but I couldn't be sure. 'I think we've had a girl'. Anne came over and confirmed that we did indeed have a little girl!!!!

I looked over our beautiful little baby girl. She was perfect. Purely and completely, perfect. I stroked her long delicate fingers with her perfect little finger nails and touched her matted head of hair. Anne put a pre warmed blanket around the two of us. I held her close. I looked up at my husband and said 'we have a baby girl. She's perfect!'. He nodded smiling with tears in his eyes. As I write this, a single tear drips down my cheek with the happy, supremely special memory of that moment. I hold my sleeping baby girl in my arms now and remember that exact moment. I'll savor that forever.

Part 2: Countdown- Is this it? Am I in labour??

2 days to go- Sunday, 3rd October

The day dawned overcast and my husband was excited about grand final day. I was less than thrilled with my team being knocked out at the final :(. We headed to the hospital for our appointment at 11am. Tanya was on again and hooked me up to the CTG. Bub's was still doing swimmingly and there didn't seem to be any concern. Luckily a Registrar just signed it off quickly. Now for a second membrane sweep. This time I was well prepared and asked Tanya not to talk to me so that I could go to another place. A happier place. One that didn't involve a membrane sweep.

After Tanya finished the sweep, she took her gloves off with a huge smile and said 'was that as good for you as it was for me?'. I was like 'um, no, can't say it was'. She cracked me up though. Tanya reported that I was still 2cm's dilated, my cervix had shortened (a good thing!), it was soft (another good thing!), but it was still posterior (not a good thing). Tanya said she had a good feeling about this one. My husband suggested that we take the stairs down out of the hospital to try and get things moving. It was 12.20pm.

As we were walking down, I felt a period like heaviness in my lower abdomen. I didn't think too much of it as I had felt it after the last sweep too. We stopped off at the shops on the way home to pick up some groceries for our gathering that afternoon. These cramps were getting kind of regular. I made a note in my head, but didn't mention anything to Mum or my husband yet as I was still thinking it was similar to last time.

We got home around 1.30pm and I just picked up my iPhone to time a couple of these cramps. Hmmmm....... they were pretty regular. I wonder if this was labour? Nothing hurt yet, I could still do everything and talk. Maybe not. I pulled my husband aside and said 'I'm not sure, but I think I might be going into labour'. His eyes brightened and he started to get excited. I was like 'hey, even if this is it, we have a long way to go, so don't get too excited just yet!!' We had downloaded this app on my iPhone to help us log contractions and it gave you stats about how far apart they were, how long they were going for and you could even export the stats and email them to your midwife (this fed my virgoan obsessive compulsiveness!). My husband logged a few and sure enough, they were about 6 minutes apart, lasting for about 40 seconds each. It was 2.30pm.

My best mate, his fiance and their 6 month old daughter arrived. We decided to go for a walk with their daughter in the pram. We walked up over the hill and down by the golf course, meanwhile chatting and talking. They still weren't hurting at this point and I could walk without slowing down and talk just fine. We still weren't sure if this was really it. Only time would tell.

On with the walk and up this ridiculously steep hill. Right, I had to slow my walking down during one of the 'cramps' now and just let the conversation continue without me. Back down the ridiculously steep hill and back passed the golf course. Ok, things were definitely getting a wriggle on. I had to stop during each cramp and pause in my sentences. It started to drizzle. We slowly made our way back up over the hill and to our house. Awesome. The in laws had arrived with a friend. It was about 4pm and my contractions were about 4 minutes apart.

I said hello to everyone and my best mate put his daughter in the jolly jumper with the noisy mat. The television went on with the pre-game amble. Noise noise noise. I need some quiet. Some space. We went into our room. Put the oil burner on with my beautiful labour oil, started the iPod with my labour music (soft gentle music), dragged the exercise ball in and just chatted. At this stage my husband, Mum and best friend were in with me. I was starting to lose track of time. I was easily able to have a conversation between contractions and could even talk through them with a little bit of effort. At some point my husband called our midwife to let her know that I had gone in to labour. I spoke with her and gave her an update to how I was feeling. Pretty good really, coping fine, things weren't too painful, all hunky dory.

My best friend decided it was time to go when I couldn't talk much any more during a contraction and packed up he and the family giving me a huge hug good bye and saying excitedly 'next time we see you, you're going to have a baby!' After they left things really got moving.

My husband occasionally left to get a score update, but for the most part stayed with me and was a wonderful support. My Mum stayed with me the whole time. I started to get some bad lower back pain so my husband heated up our heat pack and put it on my back, applying pressure at the same time . He and Mum took turns at putting quite hard pressure on my back. I went between sitting on the exercise ball, kneeling on the ground and leaning on the exercise ball and standing whilst leaning my arms and head against the wall.

At some point the game was over and my in laws left. My husband wasn't even particularly gutted that his team had lost as something more amazing was on the way!! At one point I tried lying down to rest, but immediately felt a rush of endorphins flood through my body and an urge to vomit. I labored my way over to the toilet and threw up. Just as I'd finished throwing up, another contraction came on strongly. I was getting tired now. No lying down though. Apparently I not only vomited when I had opiates, but also when I had my own endogenous version!!

My husband suggested a shower. I got in the shower and was soothed by the warm water running over my back. We managed to get the exercise ball in with me. I had goosebumps everywhere and started to feel oh so cold. Time to get out! My contractions weren't very regular, they'd go from 4 minutes in between to 1/1/2 minutes. I honestly think this was how my body needed to work to help our little girl out. If they had of been strong and long with little break in between, I'm not sure she would have coped as well as she did.

My husband called our midwife, Anne. I think Anne might have been thinking irregular contractions, lower back pain, posterior baby, long labour.....she asked me if I felt I could go a bit longer, maybe 1-2 hours. In my head I thought another 1-2 hours??? Fuck!!! But externally I nodded and said, 'yes Anne'. So on it went.

I had another shower and a small sip of water. My husband got me out a frosty fruit, I sucked on it for a bit. Nope, body doesn't want that. Eject eject!! Another vomit and furious contraction. I just kept thinking, don't think about how long this could go for, just ride the next contraction. And the next. And the next.

Anne rang us to see how I was doing. I was thinking, nuh, I want drugs, I can't do this for much longer!! Anne was like 'if you'd like to come in, come in, just give me half an hour to get to the hospital and set up a room'. Yes, I would very much like to come to hospital and have drugs. Copious amounts of numbing drugs. Yes please. It was about 10.30pm.

My husband scampered around packing a bag. He had been at me for weeks to pack one. I had been in denial- yeah yeah, I'll get to that. I did have a lot of things laid out ready to go, so I wasn't totally unprepared :) I slowly labored out to the car. It was still cold and drizzling, but the moon was bright up in the sky. I had a contraction out on our front porch. I called out to the universe and asked for the strength of all the women who had birthed before me to come to my aid. Somehow I got into the car and my husband insisted I put a bloody seat belt on. I didn't want to, but he refused to drive if I didn't. Grrrrrrrr. No time to argue. It was the worst car ride of my life!! I think I had two contractions in the car which were really painful as I couldn't move the way I wanted too!

We arrived out the front of the hospital near Emergency. There were a couple of people outside, but it felt very private. The night air blanketed me in privacy, I was in my own private world. I had another contraction against the car whilst my husband found a wheelchair. Off we wheeled to the elevator while Mum parked the car......... It was 11.20pm

Part 1: Countdown- Get my baby out!!!

The clock was ticking and we had exactly 7 days to go into labour naturally before they'd try and take it out of our hands. So many people had said 'wait till you get to 38 weeks, then you'll just want the baby out as you're so uncomfortable & just want to meet them'. Once again, guess what? I'm not like you. Not at any point did I just want her out for any of those reasons. I was quite comfortable with her inside of me, contained, no crying, life still the same (mostly!) etc. and by this point, I wasn't particularly uncomfortable as I carried our little baby quite compactly.

We were booked in for an ultrasound on Monday the 4th October with a review at the hospital on my due date the following day. Right, we had to get things moving!!

Countdown to D Day!

7 days to go- Tuesday, 28th Sept

Still avidly reading about when an induction is indicated and preparing arguments to medical staff if ultrasound results showed no deterioration in a week. Trying to refocus myself on our baby and what was ahead of us and trying to shake Dr 12 year old's words out of head. Coming to grips with the fact that I was no longer having a water birth, was not in the birth centre and would be hooked up to a monitor constantly unable to move around freely or use the Shower to ease the pain of contractions. Booked in for acupuncture to try and induce labour the following day.

6 days to go- Wednesday 29th Sept

My first acupuncture appointment of three. The lady was so lovely and calming. I'd never had acupuncture before (well apart from one session of drunkupuncture, acupuncture whilst drunk, from a friend who practices Chinese medicine and acupuncture). She left two tiny needles in the inside of my ankles so they could continue working whilst I was at home. I also was given a moxa stick (looks like a fat cigar and stinks!) to use to heat the needles in my ankles and on my lower back on my 'oxytocic' spots.


5 days to go- Thursday, 30th Sept

Attended acupuncture for second session. Equally as peaceful and relaxing. Starting to feel more centered and my head was in a better place for what was ahead of me. Continued using the moxa stick on ankles and lower back as advised by acupuncturist. Talked with husband about having a membrane sweep by our midwife. Surely a membrane sweep was better than an induction? We were already in daily contact with our midwives at this point, so discussed the option of a membrane sweep. They said normally they wouldn't offer one prior to a due date, but given the circumstances, if I asked, they wouldn't say no... And they also hinted that it was probably a good thing to try if we wanted a natural labour! So we booked in to see one of our lovely midwives- Tanya, the following day.

4 days to go- Friday, 1st October

My husband, Mum and I all trudged off again to the hospital to see Tanya. Tanya measured my fundal height again and popped me on the CTG to listen to my baby's heart beat. All seemed fine and prior to doing the sweep, said she needed to get the CTG signed off by a Dr around in birth suite. As you can imagine, my anxiety levels rose because of what had happened on our previous visit. Tanya said she was going to try and see the Prof himself. After a bit of waiting (I was still hooked up to the CTG at this point), in walked Tanya with the Prof himself. By this stage my anxiety was through the roof. What did his being here mean? Were they going to keep me here against my will? Could they keep me here against my will??

But the Prof was extremely gentle and kind. He measured my fundal height again, listened to our baby's heart beat and told me to go in to labour over the weekend! He wanted us back on the CTG again in 2 days time for a check up. He wrote a note in my chart and left. My anxiety slowly receded. Now for the sweeping.... I'm not going to describe it here for those that really don't want the gory details, but see the footnote down the bottom if you're interested!. Tanya did her business and reported I was already 2Cm's dilated, but said my cervix hadn't started to efface yet. Surely being 2Cm's dilated was a good thing- right?

3 days to go- Saturday, 2nd October

The only appointment we had today was acupuncture, the final of the 3 sessions. I had a young man this time, as the lovely female acupuncturist had gone on holidays. It was quite a different session, less nurturing I guess, but he did the job fine enough. I continued using the moxa stick when we got home.

Now to get ready for the gathering we were having at our house the following day for the football Grand final! My husbands team was in it (The Roosters. And, might I add, they only got in because of the game between them and the Tigers was rigged! Tigers are clearly the better team, regardless of the year). My in laws were coming over, plus my best mate, his fiance and baby, so there were going to be 9 people in the house!! Knowing my luck, tomorrow would be the day with a house full of bloody people..................

Footnote: A membrane sweep is one best done whilst you are disassociating!! Your midwife does an internal and whilst examining you, attempts to go through your cervix (if it is partially open) and sweep the membranes around in a circular motion to dislodge the sac from the uterine wall. This is meant to increase your chances of going into labour within 48 hours. Given the cervix can be hard to reach at this point it can be quite uncomfortable or painful. It was horrid. I was not prepared for it to be THAT horrid. I recommend disassociating!

Part 2 An Anxious End: A fight to birth our way safely

Off to the hospital again to see our midwife with our latest ultrasound results. I think our car could drive itself there we were visiting so frequently! I handed our midwife the report and said that there was no change, except our baby had put on about 200grams. She took a peek at it, nodded and said she had to get it signed off by one of the Dr's round in the birth suite along with my latest half hour CTG. This was just routine.

I was a week out from my due date now and given there had been no deterioration, was expecting the Dr to sign off with the same recommendation that Dr Carmody had given- repeat ultrasound in one week, no going post dates. My midwife returned with a Registrar in tow. My heart skipped a beat and I felt my anxiety levels rising. He sat down in front of us with my chart open (he'd looked at it for all of a couple of minutes before he started talking) and said "I'm very concerned about what's happening with your umbilical cord and worried about your baby. I think we should do an induction today". What the??? Hang on, I wasn't here to have my baby today, I was here to be told repeat ultrasound in a week, second daily monitoring, no going post dates. An induction would mean I couldn't birth in the birth centre any more as I would require a drip, monitoring, Dr's. Fuck. My brain was swirling. I stuttered 'but.... but..... I'm confused? My results haven't changed from 4 days ago and last time they recommended a repeat scan and no going post dates? The only difference in the scan is that my baby has put on weight and is growing'.

This was the Registar's response that sent me reeling 'the difficulty is, we don't know when your umbilical cord will stop working and the difference between a live baby and a still birth could be a day'. Dread filled my stomach. Fear took hold. My chest felt tight. I could kill my baby if I didn't have an induction like the Dr said. But hang on, TWO Consultant Obstetricians had told me everything else was looking good, there was no deterioration in the cord flow and Dr Carmody had said Umbilical cord's don't just stop working one minute. Who the fuck did this 12 year old Registrar (Ok, poetic license, but he looked 12 and I clearly still hold anger about how he approached the whole situation) think he was pulling out the term still birth to a Mother who was one week out from her due date and already really anxious???!!!! My husband said I responded aggressively, I prefer to think I was assertive with a whole lot of anxiety filling my response. I basically told him all of the above and told him I had fears about how my baby would cope with an induced labour considering we already had an impaired umbilical cord. His  uneducated response was " Labour's labour, a contraction is a contraction whether it's induced or not."

Uh uh, no Dr 12 year old. You are wrong. I knew this wasn't true from my classes at birth talk. An induced labour comes on quickly and regularly rather than easing your body and baby into it. Sometimes, and often, they can give you too much syntocinin as the dosing can be hard to get exactly right so that you don't get a break between contractions, bringing on strong and furious contractions. This could be fatal for a baby who already had a crappy umbilical cord with poor flow. If my baby couldn't get a break between contractions, we were sure to head into fetal distress zone and emergency caesar. I was shaking and asked Dr 12 year old to go and talk to a big Dr (I think I said talk to your boss actually) who hopefully would side with me. My poor husband was feeling very stuck in the middle and stayed fairly quiet, holding one of my hands anxiously. Dr 12 year old went and talked to a Big Dr (the Consultant of the day) and came back with his tail between his legs saying that I had another week up my sleeve with a repeat ultrasound then. They also upgraded my pregnancy to high risk, which meant I was out of the birth centre regardless and wanted constant CTG monitoring whilst I was in labour. Once again I voiced my confusion, 'hang on, do I need second daily monitoring on the CTG?'.
Dr 12 year old: 'no, just an ultrasound in a week and no post dates'.
Me: "I don't understand, we've gone from you being worried about a still birth by tomorrow to not even needing second daily review- what the?'
He just reiterated that his boss had had a look and was OK with us going to dates with an ultrasound. Think BEFORE you speak mate. Seriously. I was so angry and upset as we walked away from the hospital. This was surely not good for my little girl? I know Registrar's are just learning, particularly junior Reg's, but seriously, in what world is trying to use scare tactics to force an induction on a new Mother OK? Instead of listening to us, finding anything out about us i.e. that we both are educated people who are trying to make the safest decisions for both me and the baby, goodness we both even work in the friggin' health system, he assumed I was some uneducated Mother who was wanting to birth naturally at the expense of my babys life! If I thought for one second an induction would be best for our baby, I would have jumped at it. I mean, my husband and I even discussed a planned caesarian when we got home as an option to get our baby into the world safely. After the Reg had left, my midwife offered to do a membrane sweep to try and stimulate a natural labour. My husband looked at me with an excited smile. I was like I don't think so, not just yet. I wasn't ready to be a Mother today. I was still trying to get my head around the loss of a water birth, of being able to move around freely without a machine stuck to me, of not being uncomfortable with two wide elastic bands around my stomach. How could I possibly get my head in the right space for labour today. So no, my lovelies, no membrane sweep today!

When we got home I had to try and centre myself again for the sake of our baby and focus on her and I. I was still shaking in anger and fear after that Registrar. I jumped on the web and searched the hospital database for the gospel of obstetric medicine and read and re-read everything on when to induce and problems with the umbilicus. I was right, an induction was not indicated just yet- we were cuspy, but not yet. My husband also did his research when he went to work and we both came up with the same thing..... I had to go in to natural labour, like now!!!

We had one week to do this together, otherwise the decision was out of our hands and only God knows what would happen with my birth and baby after that.

Part 1 An Anxious End: Now I have a high risk pregnancy

So everything was smooth sailing and I was booked in to the birth centre under the care of 3 beautiful midwives. My 20 week scan couldn't have been more perfect- healthy baby, all parts there and accounted for and on the 50th centile. Plcenta seemingly fat, healthy and in a good position. Everything was going to plan.............

It was around the 30 week mark, i think, that my midwife first commented that my fundal height (the measurement they take from the top of your pubic bone to the top of your uterus that gives a rough idea of how the baby is growing) was measuring about one week behind. They assured me it was nothing to worry about yet, just something they'd keep an eye on. By around the 33-34 week mark they were concerned enough to recommend I have an ultrasound as it appeared the baby wasn't growing as expected. My gut told me bubs was ok as she was kicking like an Italian soccer player and causing a ruckus in there, but we were guided by our midwives and booked in to have one.

We went through the public hospital and had what they call a 'health and wellbeing scan'. The sonographer gave immediate feedback that everything seemed ok, but that the babys abdominal circumference (AC) seemed small. She clarified that she had had trouble getting the measurement though, so thought it could be bigger than the 7th centile. My husband and I read over and over the report and were like, nah it all seems good- It must just be an anomaly. Our midwife called my mobile when we were in the car on the way home from the ultrasound. I was a little alarmed that she had been hanging out for the results on a Saturday and had called. She voiced some concern about the small AC. After I got off the phone a million things ran through my head and I hadn't thought to ask any of them. When we got home I asked my husband to call our midwife back with our list of questions e.g what would cause this? Why would my baby be potentially starving if the placenta and umbilical cord looked good? Would this mean she'd stop growing entirely and we'd have to have her early? Would I have to be induced, have a Caesar ? Was I going to get kicked out of the birth centre and have a really medicalised birth?  My belly started to get butterflies and the worry set in.

We had another midwife appointment to discuss everything again. No one could tell me why my baby was not growing properly. My biggest fear was if the placenta was ok, then was it something genetic? We hadn't had our 12 week scan, so had we missed something? Time for a second opinion! I thought it might just give us peace of mind to have a second scan privately to double check the measurements and make sure the AC was really that small. Our midwives supported us the whole way. We made an urgent appointment to see Dr Carmody, an extremely well respected Obstetrician in Brisbane (we'd had our 20 week scan through his clinic) for the Wednesday.... 3 nights and 4 days of anxious waiting.

As soon as we got to Dr Carmody's, the sonographer looked at the report from the public hospital and said your umbilical cord has a high SD ratio, that's why your baby is small for dates. I was like, what is that? Basically the flow between the baby and I was impaired and so she wasn't getting enough nutrition. The SD ration was above the 95th percentile- which I had seen myself on the report, but I thought that was a good thing, thinking the higher the better. I was wrong. This was the answer I was looking for!! At least we had a reason now, it wasn't that there was something wrong with her genetically, it was our cord!! The sonographer re-scanned me anyway and actually got a worse result for our babys AC. Dr Carmody came in and re-scanned again. Same result. Everything else was looking alright though, my amniotic fluid was well within normal limits, bub was small, but all organs looked functional and healthy, heart was pumping beautifully. Dr Carmody's recommendation: rescan in 10 days and probably don't let me go past dates as the placenta and cord break down the older they get.

Back to our midwives who of course had pulled in the big guns by this point. The head of Obstetrics and Gynaecology, Prof Jones, was now reviewing my chart. Prof Jones had a similar recommendation, rescan in 7 days with second daily CTG monitoring (Cardiotocography monitoring is the monitoring of fetal heart beat and uterine contractions) and try and go into labour ASAP. Sure, I'll just go in to labour- easy done :) So much for as little intervention as possible!

I was trying to remain calm for my babys sake and rest as much as I could, but this was proving very difficult not to be anxious about what was happening inside of me. If our baby hadn't moved for a while I'd start poking at my belly saying 'bubba, just let Mummy know you're ok in there'. If someone did that to me when I was sleeping I'd be pretty peeved! I went back to my naturopath who put me on this major regime to support my liver and build bubs up. Protein shakes 3 times daily, dandelion tea after all food and protein (this meant like 6 teas a day) and cut back on the cod liver oil. All this liquid whilst being very pregnant meant extremely frequent toilet stops morning, noon and night. Not much sleep was happening and I was on high alert....... as I guess was our baby.

Each CTG we had was perfect. It was actually nice to hear our babys heart beat for half an hour every second day given our fears. I think it also helped us to bond more. We got to hear her have hiccups through the monitor too which was pretty funny. Around came the next ultrasound a week after the last one. The result was the same, which was actually really good, things hadn't deteriorated. Amniotic fluid good, SD ratio about the same (which actually put it in a higher percentile range as it was later in my pregnancy, so it was marginally worse), AC the same, but our baby had put on the appropriate amount of weight- yey! Dr Carmody was happy enough and recommended the same, a scan in a week and no going post dates. The protein shakes were beefing her up! Off to the midwives to review the report.

This next appointment was where things escalated..............

My pregnancy is not the same as yours!!! Grrrrrr

Lucky my tiredness and nausea didn't really kick in until we got back to Australia from Japan when I was 6 weeks pregnant. That meant i could snow board to my hearts content and get one last kick ass Japanese season in, as who knows when we'll get back there now? :(

Leading up to my pregnancy I was pretty active, running, biking, swimming and playing waterpolo. For those of you that know me, I'm usually pretty bouncy (some may have used the term hyperactive to describe me in the past:) and smiley. We'd decided to keep the pregnancy to ourselves until at least 12 weeks. This wouldn't have been so hard had I not felt so exhaustingly tired and nauseous all the time. I didn't puke, just felt sick morning, noon and night. NOTHING helped. I tried ginger, peppermint tea, dry crackers, grazing all day long to name just a few. So I had to bounce into work with a happy face, get to my office, shut the door, groan in nauseating agony and sit down resting my tired head on my desk. Somehow I had to concentrate and get through the day. Every time someone came in, back came the happy 'I'm not feeling like absolute shit' face. 

When we finally told everyone I was pregnant at about 14 weeks, people were like oh second trimester will be amazing. You'll feel this, that, energised, your nausea will pass blah blah blah blah blah. Well I didn't. Apparently my body was different to theirs (OK I know people were well meaning, but when you feel like crap, it really isn't helpful). And the first time I actually vomited from morning sickness was on the first day of the second trimester AND in the evening. So apparently my pregnancy was doing its own thing. Then I wanted to murder everyone that said I LOVED being pregnant, I felt so good blah blah blah. Well I felt like an expanding, exhausted whale. I couldn't exercise like I'd planned to do the entire pregnancy to stay fit for the birth and to help my body recover post birth, I couldn't cook every evening like I so enjoyed. The best I could do was crawl up the stairs to our unit after a long day at work and curl up on the couch under a blanket and sleep.

A friend of mine shared a theory about what was happening to me. She believed that the reason I was so tired was no accident, as if I wasn't, I would be off swimming, running or doing some other activity, thus taking away the energy required for our baby to grow and develop properly. I think she was probably right. I tried bargaining with the universe to just give me a weeny tiny bit of energy so I could do something and that I wouldn't over do it. Of course when I started to feel better around week 17, I did over do it and ended up back in bed for a week. Sigh. Boring.

So I can't say I LOVED being pregnant. Nor did I love everyone saying that I'd feel better at a particular time and how much they adored being pregnant just after I'd finished saying how awful I was feeling. I did love connecting with our baby when she was in my tummy though. I loved how active she was (surprise surprise, I produced an active baby!) and how she somersaulted and booted around in there. I loved that she responded to me laughing, singing and talking. I loved when I could see her knee poking my belly out in an odd shape. I loved her. Not that I knew she was a girl at that time.

I am very mindful now around friends who are pregnant for the first time not to tell them what's going to happen or what they're going to feel, as everyone experiences pregnancy differently. Different story if they ask about my experience. Although I'm mindful to say this is what happened for me, but it could be different for you. We are all different, as are our babies, as are our bodies dealing with pregnancy. Some people get morning sickness, some people get evening sickness, some people get all the time sickness. Some times it lasts a few weeks, for some not at all and for others the entire pregnancy. There is no one size. So please remember...... just validate my feelings. That sucks that you feel sick all the time, is there anything I can do? Or I found this helped me, did you want to give it a go? Be with me and where I'm at.  And remember, validate validate validate! :)

Birth Choices: A natural birth

Upon falling pregnant and prior even, I'd done a lot of web searching on birthing and different ways to birth. I read a lot about how birth has been really medicalised and interventions of all sorts were now the norm with caesar rates above 30% in some hospitals and fear instilled in women about their ability, or inability, to birth healthy babies naturally. Everything I read made me want a birth that was natural, with as little interference from the medical world as possible. So I began to seek out the information and people that would help my husband and I make our wishes of a natural birth a reality. A really good movie providing an overview on the state of the obstetric system in the USA is called "The Business of Being Born"  produced by Ricky Lake (Yes, the Ricky Lake). Click here The Business of Being Born to view the website. A preview of the movie is available here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8h0SkPcs2U.

We chose not to have a 12 week scan as we trusted our intuition that the little being that was growing in my belly was healthy and well. I, in particular, didn't want to expose my little one in her formative stages to ultrasound equipment. Yes, I know, everywhere says that ultrasounds are completely safe, but I had also read that all the studies proclaiming that, were done yonks ago- back in the 80's using the old, less developed equipment. The scanning equipment they use these days are stronger and more intense. You probably think I was being over careful, but we were both comfortable with not having one until our baby was 20 weeks and had more of a chance to develop.

I would have loved a home birth, but being married to someone in the health profession, we had to reach a compromise :) We chanced our luck and went in the ballot for a place in the birth centre at the Royal Brisbane and Women's Hospital, with a back up plan of a female obstetrician who would respect our choices and just be there as back up, in the event anything went wrong.

We did a 6 week course called 'Birth Talk" (http://www.birthtalk.org/) when I was only 6 weeks pregnant! It was one of the best things we could have done and really helped us later on in my pregnancy when things started to go wrong. Birth Talk helped us understand how to support my hormones during labour, bonding and breast feeding, provided support people with suggestions of how to support the birthing woman and a session that provided information to help us negotiate the health care system (this one REALLY came in handy!!). One of the great parts of the course is that there were other Mother's that came along to share parts of their birth story and to 'unplug' the mystery of it all for us. I'm not sure about other people, but as soon as people see that you're pregnant, people (including complete strangers) have a tendency to think it's open slather to share the most horrid birth experiences either they, or a friend, or a family member, or their second cousins dog had. Of course this perpetuates the fear around birthing and the lack of trust women have in their own bodies to do something women have done throughout history. So it was actually really lovely to hear stories from other women who had trusted their bodies, supported their hormones and had a beautiful birth.

We were lucky enough to get a place in the birth centre and had a beautiful team of 3 midwives who we bagan to see. At this point we planned for a water birth, no drugs, a physiological 3rd stage (for those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about- generally once you have birthed the baby you are jabbed in the thigh with a needle full of syntocinon, a drug utilised to assist the uterus to contract and expel the placenta and constrict uterine vessels. This method has reduced the risk of hemorrhage after a baby was born and saved the lives of Mothers. We chose not to have the jab, unless, of course, I was losing too much blood, and let my body do things itself. Breast feeding stimulates Oxytocin- your bodies endogenous form of syntocinon. So essentially, if I breast fed our baby straight after birth, this would have the same effect as the synthetic form of my hormone, preventing hemorrhage and assisting my uterus to contract and releasing the placenta naturally), and finally, delayed cord clamping- to enable our baby to get the extra rush of blood from the umbilical cord to improve her oxygen capacity and ease the transition into our breathing world.

Now you all probably think I'm a la la fairy, but I guess birth can be an extremely traumatic experience for families and we wanted the best chance possible at having a positive birth. I'd read so much information on how a natural birth can increase the likelihood of a healthier post natal period without pain from a caesar wound, bruising from instruments (like forceps or vacuum's), or pain from episiotomy's etc. I'd also read that a natural birth can reduce the likelihood of post natal depression, post natal anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder (which is on the rise following traumatic births!) and can assist in developing a successful breastfeeding relationship for longer. We also thought that if it felt right at the time, we'd like to have our baby in the water, easing his or her transition into the world (there's a tonne of literature on this which I'm not going to sprout here).

But there can be bumps in even the best laid plans................

Disclaimer: I am all for natural birth in low risk pregnancies, but want to acknowledge that there is a time and place for medical intervention in birth and that it can indeed save the lives of Mother's and babies. I just wish that more people were informed about the choices in their birth, so that Mother's and their partners could make the safest decisions for themselves and their babies- whatever that may be!