Descending on my Parents with a newborn baby

So Anika and I were in Sydney with my parents. Husband in Esk, 1000km's away from us. My Mum had been with us in Brisbane and had also been thrown in the deep end when Anika was born. My Dad and our family dog had not. The first few days in Sydney, I wondered if I had made a mistake in coming. When I was at home I could control my space. Everything when I was at home was done to either assist Anika getting to sleep, or to keep her asleep. I could keep the house quiet and peaceful. I could let the washing up pile up for fear of doing it waking Anika up. If I showered, my husband could be at the other end of the house with Anika whilst she slept. At my parent's house, I was acutely aware of any noise that would disturb Anika. How could I tell my parents not to go about their daily business because Anika and I had invaded their space? I used to spend so much time with our dog in Sydney, patting her, taking her for walks with my Dad every day, but now she was nothing but a potential baby waker. What was becoming of me? Narkiness and indignation that people go about their day normally, when I was so focussed on this little being sleeping, crept up in me and set in for the next 8 weeks.

It took a few days to a week for us all to adjust. And I'm not sure it was a good thing. My family learnt to tiptoe around us and Anika and I continued to deteriorate with the world adapting to us, instead of us adapting to the world. This was not a good situation. My methods of getting Anika to sleep got even more elaborate. Now I had access to the waterfall in my parents pool. The sound of the waterfall worked a treat. I used to go down the back to the pool, walk up and down the stairs with Anika in the sling, patting her bottom, singing a lullaby, the waterfall working in the background. This would only work in the morning mind you, as by the middle of the day or the afternoon, it would be sweltering hot. This called for an adaptation of the waterfall for the afternoon. What to do......?

I managed to download a waterfall sound from youTube and played that on my laptop in my parents family room. I also got a rainforest CD with bird sounds which I played together with the waterfall. This simulated the outdoors enough to trick Anika into going to sleep. Sometimes. Once again my Mum was a star and managed to help me get Anika into a 'sleep donut' overnight. The Sleep Donut is a little mattress that you can place in your bed and keeps the baby safe from you rolling on it over night. This was a major event! It meant overnight someone didn't have to hold her the entire time. She would only sleep in it from late at night (from 10pm onwards) until dawn. When you minus the 3 hour feeds from that time, it actually wasn't that long all up. Maybe a few hours all together. Not to mention I couldn't actually sleep with her in bed with me. But it was a definite improvement nonetheless.

Initially my parents had Anika in bed between them (!) to help me sleep some. It didn't leave any space for them to move though. By the end of my time in Sydney, my parents were sleeping separate most nights and one of them would have Anika. Not only was my life a disaster. Anika and I had started to make my parents life a disaster too. How long could this go on for? Seriously- how long?!

Anika's first plane ride

My poor husband was due to work in Esk for 6 weeks over Christmas and New Year and there was NO WAY I was going to stay in Brisbane on my own with Anika. I was barely coping with two parents, let alone completely going solo! We decided Anika and I would descend on my parents interstate. Of course this wasn't ideal, as my husband would not get to see his daughter or wife regularly, but it's the best we could manage under the circumstances.

My wonderful Mum flew up to help Anika and I back down on the plane. My Mum, once again, was our godsend! I was soooooooo anxious about the flight. There was no exercise ball, no stairs, no music, a confined space and a hell of a lot of people. How the hell were we going to do this? Anika was still screaming in car seats, so even the 25 minute drive to the airport was stressing me out! I was planning the day to the minute and had everyone fully briefed about our journey. I would feed Anika, then she would have her morning nap. When she woke, I would feed her again and the car would already be packed and ready to go. We'd pop her in the car, drive to the airport, back in the sling, try and get her to sleep to the noise of the airplane's, check in, get on plane. Feed on plane. Hopefully feed for the full 1/1/2hours (given she could feed for 14 hours I was fairly sure she could manage that!), get off plane, back in car seat and drive home to my parents. I had no idea how the plan would come off, but we were going to have to get on that plane no matter what state we were all in!

Anika managed so well despite my anxieties. She only started to cry near the end of the car ride to the airport, fell asleep fairly quickly in the sling and woke just before take off. I fed her the whole time and she didn't make a peep! Woohoo! Success! Car ride home to my parents wasn't so great, but I didn't really care as the longest part of the journey was complete.......... This was my poor Dad's real introduction to his granddaughter (he'd visited for a weekend prior to this).

I'd been so looking forward to being at home with my family and having the additional support, I didn't once think about what it would be like for them having a brand new baby in the house again. I was so caught up in my own world of meeting our babies needs, it never crossed my mind that we'd be completely and totally impacting on my parents life. Anika and I were about to turn their world upside down!

Why am I the only one not coping with new Motherhood?

One of the lovely things that has happened to me along the way of new Motherhood is staying connected with the other Mum's from my birth class that went through the RBWH Birth Centre. About a week after my husband went back to work I had all of the Mum's and their new baby's over for an afternoon. When the first one came to the door I was out the back feeding. Again. As everyone slowly started to arrive I couldn't help but notice baby's sleeping soundly in capsules, bouncenettes and Mum's arms. I had bunny rugs out and some baby's got put down on them and laid there peacefully. WTF??!! The Mum's would feed their baby and put them down and they'd go back to sleep or just happily lie there while their Mother talked. I just kept feeding Anika because I didn't want to go through the palava of trying to get her to sleep in front of the other, obviously more competent, Mothers. I was crying on the inside.

We all shared our birth stories with one another (this was the one thing that I felt competent at- I was a 'birthing Goddess' after all!), tended to our babies, ate the shared food and thoroughly enjoyed one another's company. This was my first real attempt at socialising since Anika was born. I felt scattered. My words were disjointed. I couldn't think of simple words to hold a normal conversation (those of you that know me, know I rarely have problems talking- some say I can talk under water or with a mouth full of marbles!). I'd jump from one unfinished conversation with one person to another conversation that would also remain unfinished. I'm guessing it was the insane sleep deprivation, hormones and general jumbled brain syndrome that I seemed to pick up post birth. But I couldn't help but notice ALL of the other Mother's seemed to have it ALL together. Why was I the only one not coping??? They were all dressed nicely, had their hair brushed and some even had makeup! I felt like the biggest, acopic frump.

One of the other Mother's put her baby in a sling and started walking up and down our back stairs. OMG........ did I have an ally? I needed to connect with her. Maybe she understood what it was like. Maybe she had some answers. Some help. Was she to be my saviour? It turns out that that Mum lived just up the road from me and another one of the Mum's lived right on my street. The three of us had some bumper long sessions at my house with the baby's. I remember one day we all went out for a walk with darkening thunder clouds over head (Anika was in a sling as she still didn't like her pram) and not one of the three of us had the thought to take rain gear or stay close to home (once again, baby, sleep deprived brain at work!). Of course the heaven's opened and we got saturated. We all looked at one another and just shook our heads wondering where our intelligence had slipped away to? But even then, my slinging friend was able to put her baby to bed overnight. No one seemed to have got themselves into a situation where they couldn't put their baby down at all. How did we get to this point? Oh right, silly me, I look over my previous posts and I know exactly how we got to where we were! But what were we going to do to change it?

Part 1: Slinging it- My life saver!

It's been a while since my last post. Between visits from grandparents and sickness, I just haven't managed to write. I know my posts are starting to get depressing (they will get worse before they get better!), but just so you know- I had 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep! So, there is hope, it does get better ;)

Now, where was I? On my own. Well, just Anika and I to be more exact! My husband was back at work working long long hours 50 minutes drive from home and I was home looking after Anika. Thank God she didn't mind being in the sling. That sling was both my life saver and almost the death of me! It gave me freedom to wash her nappy's, hang them out, make lunch, go to the toilet (yes! I did go to the toilet with my baby attached MANY times! Even whilst breastfeeding sometimes!), occasionally have a phone conversation with my Mum (though Anika would often wake up and I'd have to get off to try and get her back to sleep), read and watch some telly.
Initially.

I was managing. Just. Slowly it became harder to get her to sleep. The methods grew more elaborate and exhausting over time. I'd bounce on the exercise ball and sing to her. Then I included patting her bottom. Then it changed to walking up and down stairs (not so safe when it's raining, humid and sticky!). Then I thought she was overstimulated as she was so alert and aware of her environment, so I draped a muslin wrap over her and the sling. Her hot little body and sling would make my tired body overheat. Then I'd turn the air con on and bounce in front of the stupid thing.

Meanwhile i was feeding long hours, sometimes up to 14 hours on and off with limited breaks, getting anywhere from 1 to 4 hours broken sleep at night and not being able to 'rest when your baby rests'. Great advice that: rest when your baby rests. But what if you can't? What if your bouncing, rocking, swaying, walking up and down stairs? Up and down. Up and down. Up and friggin down. My butt was quickly getting back into shape at least. Not that I cared. I just wanted sleep. I wasn't to get that for another 3 months.

Sometimes my husband would come home and I hadn't eaten since breakfast and was still in my pyjamas, unshowered and teeth unbrushed. I feel so sorry for him in hindsight. He'd work 12/1/2 hour shifts + the almost 2 hour commute, come home to a disheveled and often teary wife, no dinner on the table, no food in the house and take Anika straight away so I could have a shower and brush my teeth. He also would get up in the night to take Anika for some of her sleep so I could get a couple of hours of rest without her. This was not a sustainable situation. But we did it for 4 weeks! I just had to get through these 4 weeks and then we were heading interstate to my parents while my hubby worked out bush at a remote hospital for 6 weeks. I didn't book a flight home....... How could I come back and do it alone again???

We're on our own. The decline in my emotional state begins...

It was an emotional day for all of us when my Mum went back interstate. She had been our lifeline, our back up, our sanity. All good things have to come to an end at some point they say. Our time was now. We took her to the airport and I tried to stay focussed on Anika and not what was happening. If I focussed on Mum going, I would fall apart. As I write and remember that day, tears start rolling down my face. Probably the tears I couldn't shed then.  It's times like this that the distance from our family is exacerbated and feels like a million miles instead of just 1000km's and a 1/1/2 hr plane ride.

I had 2 weeks with my husband home from work and then 4 weeks just Anika and I before I was traveling home to my family. My husband and I muddled along somehow. We still hadn't managed to put Anika down in her gorgeous cradle for sleep yet. She was 4 weeks old by this stage. My husband would watch movies with her on his chest for the first half of the night while I tried to sleep. Then when Anika woke for a feed, I'd feed her for about 1-1/1/2 hours and then try and sleep with her in bed with me while my husband slept in another room. It wasn't ideal sleeping separate, but the best we could do under the circumstances for both of our sleeps. We took turns having her sleep in out arms during the daytime. We could watch telly, talk, read books, eat and she would stay asleep while we held her. We didn't really think too far ahead about what would happen when my husband returned to work. Not only did Anika find it difficult to sleep independently, we couldn't really even put her down in a rocker or on a playmat when she was awake. My husband and I had to take turns eating, one would hold Anika and the other would eat, then we'd swap. 

What was I going to do on my own??? My husband worked 45 minutes away from home and did 12.5 hour shifts. I needed my hands free at some point just to meet MY basic needs as well as Anika's. I needed to eat, toilet, get dressed, brush my teeth, hair, shower, wash her nappies (yes! We are cloth nappy users and yes! I am addicted to them;), wash our clothes, cook. Forget things like cleaning, washing up or other non-essential tasks. We needed a sling! I had a front carrier, but Anika didn't like sitting in that. I'm not sure if it was because she was so tiny, or because it spread her legs too wide, or some other reason??? All I knew was, it wasn't going to work now. We popped in to Nest Nappies in Paddington and Elizabeth (the owner) was fantastic! She let me borrow a sling to see if it worked for us before we bought it. Elizabeth had given us awesome cloth nappy advice and I was already a regular at her gorgeous store :) 

My husband and I had a few methods that had developed over the previous weeks of getting Anika to sleep. Bouncing with her on an exercise ball was one of the top methods. Another was putting her in the pram and taking the roughest off road path. Anika didn't like the pram or the car seat, making travel of most descriptions difficult with a screaming infant. It also increased my isolation from the outside world.

We did a trial run food shopping as a family to give me the confidence when i was on my own. That was a disaster! We got to the shops with minimal crying, popped her in the sling and walked in to Coles. Anika looked around wide eyed at the fluro lights and listened to the blaring Christmas carols and lost it completely. I tried to soothe her by talking comfortingly to her and gently bouncing as I walked. She was in sensory overload though and I don't think anything was going to soothe her in the middle of the shop. Off to the car to feed her while my husband finished the rest of the shop. I don't think I've ever been more aware of the harshness of a shopping environment in my life before! Next time you walk into a shopping centre, try and imagine what it would be like if you had the most acute senses and had never experienced one before. How overwhelming and scary?!! So instead of building my confidence, it was further shattered. How could I do this alone? How on earth could I do this alone?? Anika was now 6 weeks old and my husband was heading back to work. My Mum was gone and ALL of our family was at least 1000km's away. I struggled to leave the house as Anika hated the pram and car seat. The decline in my emotional, physical and mental state was gradual, but it started here.

A Pooey Story

So we were on a regime to help settle Anika's little tummy after the antibiotics and it seemed to soothe her a bit. After the 9 days of no poo initially, Anika turned in to the poo machine!! You'd be changing her nappy and out would come this foamy mustardy coloured poo which would send us scrambling to grab some tissues to catch it with. It kind of reminded me of foamy tanning mousse or whipped cream from the can :) I remember one sleep deprived night I forgot to grab the tissues and just caught it in my hand. I don't know what possessed me to put my hand out- she was on a change mat that could've easily been washed! It's amazing how sleep deprivation effects your brain and ability to act rationally. So now not only was I trying to change a wriggling baby in the dark, I also had a large amount of poo in my palm and oozing between my fingers.......... the joys of parenthood eh?

Was poo meant to be bubbly and foamy? Not according to our poo chart! Is something wrong with her? I madly started to look up what could be going on on the ABA website and google hits. Hmmm sounds like foremilk hindmilk imbalance. For those of you who've never encountered breastfeeding information before, foremilk is the watery milk that comes out at the start of a feed. It generally rehydrates and comes out quickly. As the feed progresses, the milk gradually thickens and is higher in fat content, helping bubs feel full and beefs them up. When they get enough of each, their gut digests it more easily. If you swap them over from one breast to the next too quickly, they don't get enough hindmilk and it tends to digest super quick and makes green foamy poo and they wake sooner because they're still hungry.

Given everything that was going on with Anika's little tummy post antibiotics, we decided to get a home visit from a private lactation consultant (LC). She was lovely and was able to come over quite quickly following our contact. She observed me feeding Anika and gave a couple of hints, such as put her back to the same breast after she pull off twice and then move her to the next side. Feeds were still around the hour mark at this time. She also told us that babies poo often came out foamy if you watched it, but once it settled on the nappy it looked like it was 'meant' too. We were also able to contact the LC during one of Anika's 14 hour feeding bonanza's to check that we were doing the right thing by letting her feed for so long with minimal breaks.

I think sometimes you can seek out too much information and get so caught up in things that might not be right, when really, if we had've just gone with the flow a bit more, things might have been somewhat smoother for us. I guess all of our uncertainty goes back to the 'holy crap we're parents- we're not trained for this!' post :) Our uncertainty was going to increase tenfold very shortly when my Mum returned home interstate. She was our security blanket, our saviour and Godsend. How were we going to cope without her???