Christmas in a Car Park

My husband was still working in Esk, but managed to get a few days off over Christmas to visit Anika and I in Sydney. I was overjoyed that he was coming. Not just because we hadn't seen him for three weeks, but mainly because he was someone else who could get Anika to sleep. I know that sounds horrible, but sleep deprivation does funny things to your brain. He could give me a break. Oh how I needed a break. I was probably averaging anywhere from 1/1/2 hrs to 3 hours sleep in any 24 hour period by this stage. The feeding was the killer. My poor starving baby was just so hungry. ALL of the time. 24/7.

Christmas for my family was luckily at our house in the afternoon/evening. Christmas for my husband's family was at lunch and a 45-60 minute drive away depending on the Sydney traffic. Pre-baby, we did both- lunch with my husband's family, then dinner with mine. Sounds ok right? Well it certainly would be if you had a baby that fell asleep in the car. Or fell asleep in a cradle or in your arms with a hive of activity happening around you at someone else's house. Apparently some babies do both those things. I've seen them actually. I've even held them whilst they slept. So I know they aren't just a fable. It just wasn't our baby.

Understandably, my husband wanted to take Anika over for lunch to introduce her to his extended family. For me, this brought a huge amount of pressure and anxiety. I'd spent the last three weeks getting myself and Anika into an unsustainable horror of a situation in which she'd scream in the car (getting louder and louder by the second and no, it did not dissipate after a while. I am fairly certain I have permanent hearing damage following a car ride to buy Christmas presents where I got stuck in traffic from my poor darling screaming so loud), where I'd have to swaddle her in a Woombie, put her in the sling, cover the sling with a muslin wrap to reduce stimulation and bounce on an exercise ball singing lullabies. Sydney was REALLY hot last summer, so I also needed air conditioning, otherwise Anika would overheat and not be able to sleep. So you can now understand why a 45-60 minute drive somewhere AND back, to a place without air conditioning or an exercise ball was like my very worst nightmare! But I agreed regardless.

Christmas day was sweltering hot. We did presents at my parents, had breakfast and Anika went down for her morning nap (by down, I obviously mean in the sling). Everything was packed and ready to go for when she woke up. As soon as she woke up I fed her and we jumped in the car. Before we'd even got to the end of the street she'd done a poo. We pulled over, got her out of the car and changed her on the grassy verge at the side of the road. Back into the car and try again. I pulled out every toy under the sun. I sang to her and held her hand. I patted her face. She screamed. And screamed. And screamed. I was having difficulty watching her scream. I wanted to rip her out of that stupid seat and comfort her, but I couldn't. I didn't want our little girl to spend her first Christmas screaming all the way to my husbands family and then face doing the whole thing over again on the way back a few hours later.

I was horrible to my husband. I asked him whether he wanted to see his daughter spend her first Christmas screaming? When he asked what I thought he should do, I said I wasn't going to tell him to turn around and that it was his decision as it was his family. I also started to say to Anika 'I'm so sorry darling, but Daddy really wants you to meet his family so unfortunately you're just going to have to stay in the seat and scream'. I was sobbing by this stage. My poor husband was so torn. He pulled over into a train station car park and I ripped Anika out of the seat and started to feed her. She calmed right down and snuggled into me. My husband got out of the car to call his parents. When he came back, he said that we were going back to my parents house. Relief flooded through me. On top of the relief were anxious thoughts about what his parents thought of me. What the rest of his family would think of me. Would they think I was trying to keep Anika from them? Would they think I was being manipulative? Would they ever understand how much I was struggling and how what seemed like a small outing on Christmas day to them was like climbing Mt Everest to me? I was just surviving by this stage and I wasn't sure how much more I could take before I might break.

So we spent a large part of Christmas Day in that car park deciding what to do, feeding Anika and then making our way back to my parents. A 4 hour round trip. A trip to a car park on Christmas Day. When we got home, Anika had a blissful 3 hour nap in the sling while I sat on a wooden swing chair in the shade with a cool breeze rustling through the trees whilst I stared vacantly into nowhere. Now all we had to do was get through the evening when my extended family descended on us!

So sorry for scaring the bejesus out of you that are pregnant or childless!!

It has come to my attention, through various sources, that my blog is instilling fear in those that are either pregnant with their first baby or thinking about starting a family one day soon. Whilst those already with children are finding it validating and refreshingly honest sharing in my struggles.

Firstly, I want to clarify that this is one experience, my experience, about transitioning into motherhood. I think I had a difficult transition for various reasons- some already mentioned and some to come.

Secondly, other people's experience will be different, maybe better and for some, maybe worse. It is certainly a journey and I guarantee a steep learning curve no matter how hard or easy your journey is. From my experience most Mothers (and Father's for that matter), if not all, have some kind of struggle at some point. If it's not latching at breast feeding, it's not sleeping. If it's not not sleeping, it's reflux. if it's not reflux, it's not being able to put them down. If it's not being able to put them down, it's something else! But it isn't forever. That much I know. So even if it feels like it at the time, it is actually only a a very short time in your life. I know 4 months sounds long (that's how long it went for me)- but it really isn't when you consider the entire span of your life. You do get through it and somehow come out the other side.

Which brings me to my thirdly. Despite all of my early struggles as a new Mother, in amidst the sleep deprivation, pain from sling wearing and mega long feeding sessions- I loved being a Mother. I hated all of those other things, but I loved being Anika's Mum. She brought (brings!) my husband and I a ridiculous amount of joy and I would do it all again in a heart beat (well, with more of the right support and knowledge that I have now:).

It certainly wasn't my intention at all to scare people about parenthood and I hadn't intended just to write about all of my difficult times- it's just I'm writing events in order of occurrence and my hardest times happened to occur first! I also wanted other parents that are struggling to know they are not alone and they do not have to sit in a code of silence and put on a brave face. The BEST thing I did was plead for help far and wide. I made helpless status updates on Facebook until eventually the right help fell into my lap. I stand here now, with a beautiful, well attached 10 month old daughter and even though there are still difficult nights, or days (or both!), I feel I have the skills and the networks to get through them. Parenthood has taught me so very much about myself, has stretched every part of my being to near breaking point and made me so much stronger. I know I can face anything now. So ENJOY your pregnancies and enjoy the fun of planning a family (and making the family:), but be aware that NO ONE can actually prepare you for what it will be like or how it will change your life. I thought I got it. I didn't. But I wouldn't change it. Not for a second!

P.S. sorry for the huge gap between posts. I've been in avoidance mode as life is so packed full and good right now. Will try and get on a roll again :)

Avoidance as a Protection Strategy

It's been a while since my last post. I have had idle moments where I've contemplated writing, but instead I've washed up, watched some meaningless television, read or written controversial things on other people's Facebook posts (this took up a considerable amount of time!). At the back of my mind I was thinking- what's really going on here? I have been enjoying writing this blog and receiving such lovely feedback, why have I stalled writing?

Avoidance. I am the master of it. In this case, it is a strategy to protect myself. My head is in such a better place now, revisiting those earlier, darker times is getting harder for me. Looking back, I have no idea how I got through it. But I did. And I am. Thank God, or whoever, or whatever for that! My last post of when we arrived in Sydney was when things were well on the road to reaching their darkest and there are chunks of time of fear, of hopelessness, of despair, of anger, of guilt, of pure exhaustion, of suffering and of desperation. We are going back to Sydney on the 15th of this month for 10 days and I think I need to hold the story until we're back.

At the back of my mind is worry that returning to 'the scene of the crime', so to speak, will bring back all those feelings again. Not just for me, but for Anika as well. I have to remind myself that circumstances are so very different this time. Anika is 7 months older than she was when we originally visited and I not only have more experience under my belt, I have more sleep and the skills to help her through it if she does find it difficult. Plus my husband will be there. Anika is such a resilient, happy little munchkin, that I'm sure she'll breeze through it. And if she doesn't, I know that I can cope, as I've coped with much worse.

So thank you for your understanding and I hope to be writing again upon my return- after we've conquered some more of our past :)

Happy days! xo

P.S. Have I mentioned that my heart sings when my daughter wakes up in the morning, rolls over onto her belly, crawls on me and giggles whilst blowing raspberries on my cheek? There really is nothing like it- parenthood.

Descending on my Parents with a newborn baby

So Anika and I were in Sydney with my parents. Husband in Esk, 1000km's away from us. My Mum had been with us in Brisbane and had also been thrown in the deep end when Anika was born. My Dad and our family dog had not. The first few days in Sydney, I wondered if I had made a mistake in coming. When I was at home I could control my space. Everything when I was at home was done to either assist Anika getting to sleep, or to keep her asleep. I could keep the house quiet and peaceful. I could let the washing up pile up for fear of doing it waking Anika up. If I showered, my husband could be at the other end of the house with Anika whilst she slept. At my parent's house, I was acutely aware of any noise that would disturb Anika. How could I tell my parents not to go about their daily business because Anika and I had invaded their space? I used to spend so much time with our dog in Sydney, patting her, taking her for walks with my Dad every day, but now she was nothing but a potential baby waker. What was becoming of me? Narkiness and indignation that people go about their day normally, when I was so focussed on this little being sleeping, crept up in me and set in for the next 8 weeks.

It took a few days to a week for us all to adjust. And I'm not sure it was a good thing. My family learnt to tiptoe around us and Anika and I continued to deteriorate with the world adapting to us, instead of us adapting to the world. This was not a good situation. My methods of getting Anika to sleep got even more elaborate. Now I had access to the waterfall in my parents pool. The sound of the waterfall worked a treat. I used to go down the back to the pool, walk up and down the stairs with Anika in the sling, patting her bottom, singing a lullaby, the waterfall working in the background. This would only work in the morning mind you, as by the middle of the day or the afternoon, it would be sweltering hot. This called for an adaptation of the waterfall for the afternoon. What to do......?

I managed to download a waterfall sound from youTube and played that on my laptop in my parents family room. I also got a rainforest CD with bird sounds which I played together with the waterfall. This simulated the outdoors enough to trick Anika into going to sleep. Sometimes. Once again my Mum was a star and managed to help me get Anika into a 'sleep donut' overnight. The Sleep Donut is a little mattress that you can place in your bed and keeps the baby safe from you rolling on it over night. This was a major event! It meant overnight someone didn't have to hold her the entire time. She would only sleep in it from late at night (from 10pm onwards) until dawn. When you minus the 3 hour feeds from that time, it actually wasn't that long all up. Maybe a few hours all together. Not to mention I couldn't actually sleep with her in bed with me. But it was a definite improvement nonetheless.

Initially my parents had Anika in bed between them (!) to help me sleep some. It didn't leave any space for them to move though. By the end of my time in Sydney, my parents were sleeping separate most nights and one of them would have Anika. Not only was my life a disaster. Anika and I had started to make my parents life a disaster too. How long could this go on for? Seriously- how long?!

Anika's first plane ride

My poor husband was due to work in Esk for 6 weeks over Christmas and New Year and there was NO WAY I was going to stay in Brisbane on my own with Anika. I was barely coping with two parents, let alone completely going solo! We decided Anika and I would descend on my parents interstate. Of course this wasn't ideal, as my husband would not get to see his daughter or wife regularly, but it's the best we could manage under the circumstances.

My wonderful Mum flew up to help Anika and I back down on the plane. My Mum, once again, was our godsend! I was soooooooo anxious about the flight. There was no exercise ball, no stairs, no music, a confined space and a hell of a lot of people. How the hell were we going to do this? Anika was still screaming in car seats, so even the 25 minute drive to the airport was stressing me out! I was planning the day to the minute and had everyone fully briefed about our journey. I would feed Anika, then she would have her morning nap. When she woke, I would feed her again and the car would already be packed and ready to go. We'd pop her in the car, drive to the airport, back in the sling, try and get her to sleep to the noise of the airplane's, check in, get on plane. Feed on plane. Hopefully feed for the full 1/1/2hours (given she could feed for 14 hours I was fairly sure she could manage that!), get off plane, back in car seat and drive home to my parents. I had no idea how the plan would come off, but we were going to have to get on that plane no matter what state we were all in!

Anika managed so well despite my anxieties. She only started to cry near the end of the car ride to the airport, fell asleep fairly quickly in the sling and woke just before take off. I fed her the whole time and she didn't make a peep! Woohoo! Success! Car ride home to my parents wasn't so great, but I didn't really care as the longest part of the journey was complete.......... This was my poor Dad's real introduction to his granddaughter (he'd visited for a weekend prior to this).

I'd been so looking forward to being at home with my family and having the additional support, I didn't once think about what it would be like for them having a brand new baby in the house again. I was so caught up in my own world of meeting our babies needs, it never crossed my mind that we'd be completely and totally impacting on my parents life. Anika and I were about to turn their world upside down!

Why am I the only one not coping with new Motherhood?

One of the lovely things that has happened to me along the way of new Motherhood is staying connected with the other Mum's from my birth class that went through the RBWH Birth Centre. About a week after my husband went back to work I had all of the Mum's and their new baby's over for an afternoon. When the first one came to the door I was out the back feeding. Again. As everyone slowly started to arrive I couldn't help but notice baby's sleeping soundly in capsules, bouncenettes and Mum's arms. I had bunny rugs out and some baby's got put down on them and laid there peacefully. WTF??!! The Mum's would feed their baby and put them down and they'd go back to sleep or just happily lie there while their Mother talked. I just kept feeding Anika because I didn't want to go through the palava of trying to get her to sleep in front of the other, obviously more competent, Mothers. I was crying on the inside.

We all shared our birth stories with one another (this was the one thing that I felt competent at- I was a 'birthing Goddess' after all!), tended to our babies, ate the shared food and thoroughly enjoyed one another's company. This was my first real attempt at socialising since Anika was born. I felt scattered. My words were disjointed. I couldn't think of simple words to hold a normal conversation (those of you that know me, know I rarely have problems talking- some say I can talk under water or with a mouth full of marbles!). I'd jump from one unfinished conversation with one person to another conversation that would also remain unfinished. I'm guessing it was the insane sleep deprivation, hormones and general jumbled brain syndrome that I seemed to pick up post birth. But I couldn't help but notice ALL of the other Mother's seemed to have it ALL together. Why was I the only one not coping??? They were all dressed nicely, had their hair brushed and some even had makeup! I felt like the biggest, acopic frump.

One of the other Mother's put her baby in a sling and started walking up and down our back stairs. OMG........ did I have an ally? I needed to connect with her. Maybe she understood what it was like. Maybe she had some answers. Some help. Was she to be my saviour? It turns out that that Mum lived just up the road from me and another one of the Mum's lived right on my street. The three of us had some bumper long sessions at my house with the baby's. I remember one day we all went out for a walk with darkening thunder clouds over head (Anika was in a sling as she still didn't like her pram) and not one of the three of us had the thought to take rain gear or stay close to home (once again, baby, sleep deprived brain at work!). Of course the heaven's opened and we got saturated. We all looked at one another and just shook our heads wondering where our intelligence had slipped away to? But even then, my slinging friend was able to put her baby to bed overnight. No one seemed to have got themselves into a situation where they couldn't put their baby down at all. How did we get to this point? Oh right, silly me, I look over my previous posts and I know exactly how we got to where we were! But what were we going to do to change it?

Part 1: Slinging it- My life saver!

It's been a while since my last post. Between visits from grandparents and sickness, I just haven't managed to write. I know my posts are starting to get depressing (they will get worse before they get better!), but just so you know- I had 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep! So, there is hope, it does get better ;)

Now, where was I? On my own. Well, just Anika and I to be more exact! My husband was back at work working long long hours 50 minutes drive from home and I was home looking after Anika. Thank God she didn't mind being in the sling. That sling was both my life saver and almost the death of me! It gave me freedom to wash her nappy's, hang them out, make lunch, go to the toilet (yes! I did go to the toilet with my baby attached MANY times! Even whilst breastfeeding sometimes!), occasionally have a phone conversation with my Mum (though Anika would often wake up and I'd have to get off to try and get her back to sleep), read and watch some telly.
Initially.

I was managing. Just. Slowly it became harder to get her to sleep. The methods grew more elaborate and exhausting over time. I'd bounce on the exercise ball and sing to her. Then I included patting her bottom. Then it changed to walking up and down stairs (not so safe when it's raining, humid and sticky!). Then I thought she was overstimulated as she was so alert and aware of her environment, so I draped a muslin wrap over her and the sling. Her hot little body and sling would make my tired body overheat. Then I'd turn the air con on and bounce in front of the stupid thing.

Meanwhile i was feeding long hours, sometimes up to 14 hours on and off with limited breaks, getting anywhere from 1 to 4 hours broken sleep at night and not being able to 'rest when your baby rests'. Great advice that: rest when your baby rests. But what if you can't? What if your bouncing, rocking, swaying, walking up and down stairs? Up and down. Up and down. Up and friggin down. My butt was quickly getting back into shape at least. Not that I cared. I just wanted sleep. I wasn't to get that for another 3 months.

Sometimes my husband would come home and I hadn't eaten since breakfast and was still in my pyjamas, unshowered and teeth unbrushed. I feel so sorry for him in hindsight. He'd work 12/1/2 hour shifts + the almost 2 hour commute, come home to a disheveled and often teary wife, no dinner on the table, no food in the house and take Anika straight away so I could have a shower and brush my teeth. He also would get up in the night to take Anika for some of her sleep so I could get a couple of hours of rest without her. This was not a sustainable situation. But we did it for 4 weeks! I just had to get through these 4 weeks and then we were heading interstate to my parents while my hubby worked out bush at a remote hospital for 6 weeks. I didn't book a flight home....... How could I come back and do it alone again???