I didn't realise making a baby takes time..... did you??

So we just got back from 'baby' therapy with guru pre and perinatal Psychologist, Dr William Emmerson and the Baby Calmer, and bub is asleep- yes, on her own Woot! So I have a chance to write my second blog. I will talk about our experience of baby therapy later down the track when I've caught you up on our story first. In true Virgoan style things have a place and a correct order as with our story (and my pack of highlighters which has to be put away in the correct order otherwise life just doesn't feel right when they are in my draw!).

I know this is often a taboo subject and if you talk to friends, family, acquaintances etc. about it, people feel the need to tell you they fell pregnant first go. As somehow, one's ability to fall pregnant seems to equate to your worth as a reproducing human being and your competence. So what if it doesn't happen first time? Or second time? Or third time even? For us, it took five months. Each month we eagerly took a pregnancy test before a missed period and were crest fallen when there was yet another negative result. Maybe it will turn positive if we wait until after my period was due? After all, we're both skillful, competent human beings who really really want a baby. The idea that we wouldn't succeed at this first or second go hadn't entered my mind. I was usually extremely competent at whatever I turned my hand at, so surely baby making wouldn't be any different? I was doing everything right, went to a naturopath, waited the 'right' amount of time after coming off the pill to allow my body time to recover hormonally, exercising, getting to know my cycle etc. What could go wrong?

After the third month, I started to question our ability as a couple to have a baby. What if we couldn't? I never saw my life without having a child. What would our lives look like if we didn't fall pregnant soon? Was there something wrong with us? Was it me? Was it my husband? Then I became somewhat obsessed. I got to know my cycle inside and out, I subscribed to a website where you log your temperature, cervical mucous etc. daily and it tells you when you ovulated so you can figure out when the optimal time is to have baby making sex. I became the opposite to how I had envisioned us falling pregnant. My husband and I had aways said that we'd just maintain our normal sex life and it would happen when it was meant to. But it wasn't happening. This baby making thing was completely out of my Virgoan control and I think all of my measuring and counting was an attempt to bring something back into my control. I was also feeling like a failure as everyone else seemed to be getting pregnant just fine and easily.

My husband suggested I talk about our 'failure' to fall pregnant with my Mum, but I didn't want to as then people would know about our 'failure' and it would become real. I was ashamed that I couldn't succeed at something and something so important. On the fourth month, I was visting my family for Christmas and my period came on boxing day. I, we, were crestfallen. I couldn't stop the tears from falling. My Mum took me in her arms and I sobbed about how we were trying to have a baby and hadn't been able too. Sharing my heartache with my Mum didn't take our 'failure' away, but a warm hug and understanding ear, lessened the blow a little.

Of course, once I'd shared my difficulty and threw my trust out into the universe, letting go of my control, it happened (well, and after a lot of husband and wife time!). We were heading to Japan on a snowboarding trip and so once again I took a pregnancy test before my period was due on the day we were leaving and it came up negative. My husband and I were disappointed, but we thought at least I can snowboard, enjoy the superb Japanese beverages such as Sapporo, Asahi, Kirin and warm Sake, and soak my tired aching muscles in the hot onsens. We enjoyed a couple of Asahi's on the plane and some white russians when we arrived at our ski house. The next day we hit the slopes for an awesome day of boarding and again the next day. On the third day, the day my period was due, we headed back to the house for some lunch and i noticed my period hadn't arrived. I snuck upstairs to go to the toilet and do a pregnancy test without telling my husband what I was doing. As soon as I peed on the stick it came up positive. There was no mistaking it. I sat still in disbelief. Oh my God. We were pregnant!!

Intro in the muddle

Ok, so I've never actually done this before and it's a little tricky, as I'm lying in bed with my almost 7 month old daughter sleeping in my arms. And that, is probably a good place to begin! I never ever thought when I was pregnant I'd be sleeping with my daughter in my arms for ALL her sleeps 7 months down the track. I had these visions when i was pregnant of my life as a new Mum baking, gardening, casually reading or watching television as my 'good' baby slept peacefully in her brand new Leander cradle. Ha! Wrong!! We've had a journey and a half in the past 7 months and I thought if I shared my journey, it might help other new Mum's who might be feeling overwhelmed, isolated, distraught, frustrated, resentful even! So this is the start of something. Hopefully it can help others, but mostly, hopefully it can help me, my husband and my daughter process the difficult transition we've had into parenthood.

One thing you should know though, is that I parent by heart. When I talk about the reasons I do certain things with my baby, it is because it feels right for my family and I. I am not making a judgement on how anyone else decides to be with their babies. So I do apologise if some of my reasoning offends you or makes you question how you do things. Know that I respect there are other ways to parent and we all are just doing the best we can. We all have different things that work for us!

So on that note, I might away for now. Tomorrow I'll start at the very beginning....... Japan! Until then.......