Christmas in a Car Park

My husband was still working in Esk, but managed to get a few days off over Christmas to visit Anika and I in Sydney. I was overjoyed that he was coming. Not just because we hadn't seen him for three weeks, but mainly because he was someone else who could get Anika to sleep. I know that sounds horrible, but sleep deprivation does funny things to your brain. He could give me a break. Oh how I needed a break. I was probably averaging anywhere from 1/1/2 hrs to 3 hours sleep in any 24 hour period by this stage. The feeding was the killer. My poor starving baby was just so hungry. ALL of the time. 24/7.

Christmas for my family was luckily at our house in the afternoon/evening. Christmas for my husband's family was at lunch and a 45-60 minute drive away depending on the Sydney traffic. Pre-baby, we did both- lunch with my husband's family, then dinner with mine. Sounds ok right? Well it certainly would be if you had a baby that fell asleep in the car. Or fell asleep in a cradle or in your arms with a hive of activity happening around you at someone else's house. Apparently some babies do both those things. I've seen them actually. I've even held them whilst they slept. So I know they aren't just a fable. It just wasn't our baby.

Understandably, my husband wanted to take Anika over for lunch to introduce her to his extended family. For me, this brought a huge amount of pressure and anxiety. I'd spent the last three weeks getting myself and Anika into an unsustainable horror of a situation in which she'd scream in the car (getting louder and louder by the second and no, it did not dissipate after a while. I am fairly certain I have permanent hearing damage following a car ride to buy Christmas presents where I got stuck in traffic from my poor darling screaming so loud), where I'd have to swaddle her in a Woombie, put her in the sling, cover the sling with a muslin wrap to reduce stimulation and bounce on an exercise ball singing lullabies. Sydney was REALLY hot last summer, so I also needed air conditioning, otherwise Anika would overheat and not be able to sleep. So you can now understand why a 45-60 minute drive somewhere AND back, to a place without air conditioning or an exercise ball was like my very worst nightmare! But I agreed regardless.

Christmas day was sweltering hot. We did presents at my parents, had breakfast and Anika went down for her morning nap (by down, I obviously mean in the sling). Everything was packed and ready to go for when she woke up. As soon as she woke up I fed her and we jumped in the car. Before we'd even got to the end of the street she'd done a poo. We pulled over, got her out of the car and changed her on the grassy verge at the side of the road. Back into the car and try again. I pulled out every toy under the sun. I sang to her and held her hand. I patted her face. She screamed. And screamed. And screamed. I was having difficulty watching her scream. I wanted to rip her out of that stupid seat and comfort her, but I couldn't. I didn't want our little girl to spend her first Christmas screaming all the way to my husbands family and then face doing the whole thing over again on the way back a few hours later.

I was horrible to my husband. I asked him whether he wanted to see his daughter spend her first Christmas screaming? When he asked what I thought he should do, I said I wasn't going to tell him to turn around and that it was his decision as it was his family. I also started to say to Anika 'I'm so sorry darling, but Daddy really wants you to meet his family so unfortunately you're just going to have to stay in the seat and scream'. I was sobbing by this stage. My poor husband was so torn. He pulled over into a train station car park and I ripped Anika out of the seat and started to feed her. She calmed right down and snuggled into me. My husband got out of the car to call his parents. When he came back, he said that we were going back to my parents house. Relief flooded through me. On top of the relief were anxious thoughts about what his parents thought of me. What the rest of his family would think of me. Would they think I was trying to keep Anika from them? Would they think I was being manipulative? Would they ever understand how much I was struggling and how what seemed like a small outing on Christmas day to them was like climbing Mt Everest to me? I was just surviving by this stage and I wasn't sure how much more I could take before I might break.

So we spent a large part of Christmas Day in that car park deciding what to do, feeding Anika and then making our way back to my parents. A 4 hour round trip. A trip to a car park on Christmas Day. When we got home, Anika had a blissful 3 hour nap in the sling while I sat on a wooden swing chair in the shade with a cool breeze rustling through the trees whilst I stared vacantly into nowhere. Now all we had to do was get through the evening when my extended family descended on us!

So sorry for scaring the bejesus out of you that are pregnant or childless!!

It has come to my attention, through various sources, that my blog is instilling fear in those that are either pregnant with their first baby or thinking about starting a family one day soon. Whilst those already with children are finding it validating and refreshingly honest sharing in my struggles.

Firstly, I want to clarify that this is one experience, my experience, about transitioning into motherhood. I think I had a difficult transition for various reasons- some already mentioned and some to come.

Secondly, other people's experience will be different, maybe better and for some, maybe worse. It is certainly a journey and I guarantee a steep learning curve no matter how hard or easy your journey is. From my experience most Mothers (and Father's for that matter), if not all, have some kind of struggle at some point. If it's not latching at breast feeding, it's not sleeping. If it's not not sleeping, it's reflux. if it's not reflux, it's not being able to put them down. If it's not being able to put them down, it's something else! But it isn't forever. That much I know. So even if it feels like it at the time, it is actually only a a very short time in your life. I know 4 months sounds long (that's how long it went for me)- but it really isn't when you consider the entire span of your life. You do get through it and somehow come out the other side.

Which brings me to my thirdly. Despite all of my early struggles as a new Mother, in amidst the sleep deprivation, pain from sling wearing and mega long feeding sessions- I loved being a Mother. I hated all of those other things, but I loved being Anika's Mum. She brought (brings!) my husband and I a ridiculous amount of joy and I would do it all again in a heart beat (well, with more of the right support and knowledge that I have now:).

It certainly wasn't my intention at all to scare people about parenthood and I hadn't intended just to write about all of my difficult times- it's just I'm writing events in order of occurrence and my hardest times happened to occur first! I also wanted other parents that are struggling to know they are not alone and they do not have to sit in a code of silence and put on a brave face. The BEST thing I did was plead for help far and wide. I made helpless status updates on Facebook until eventually the right help fell into my lap. I stand here now, with a beautiful, well attached 10 month old daughter and even though there are still difficult nights, or days (or both!), I feel I have the skills and the networks to get through them. Parenthood has taught me so very much about myself, has stretched every part of my being to near breaking point and made me so much stronger. I know I can face anything now. So ENJOY your pregnancies and enjoy the fun of planning a family (and making the family:), but be aware that NO ONE can actually prepare you for what it will be like or how it will change your life. I thought I got it. I didn't. But I wouldn't change it. Not for a second!

P.S. sorry for the huge gap between posts. I've been in avoidance mode as life is so packed full and good right now. Will try and get on a roll again :)